Michael Ra Bouchard, M.A., Ph.D.
Double Board-Certified Clinical Sexologist
Sex Therapist & Marriage Counselor
Specializing in No-Nonsense
Psychosexual Therapy & Relationship Counseling Since 1991
Dr. Michael Ra Bouchard is an accredited Doctor of Human Sexuality Double Board-Certified—national and international—Clinical Sexologist, Erotologist, Sex Therapist, Marriage & Relationship Counselor, Sex Offender Relapse Prevention Treatment Specialist, Sexual Health & Disease Prevention Educator, and Founder of Aloha Sexual Health & Happiness, LLC Professional Counseling Services.
Dr. Bouchard, also known as Dr. Michael to his clients, is a Diplomate of both the American Board of Sexology and the American College of Sexologists, an Advisory Board Member of the American College of Sexologists, and decades-long Member of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, Association for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, and American Counseling Association.
He is a Graduate School Professor Emeritus of Counseling Psychology and Human Services at the University of Phoenix, Hawai'i Campus, in addition to Professor Emeritus of Sexual & Erotic Media Studies and HIV/AIDS/STIs Prevention at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco.
Dr. Michael is an eminently credentialed and accomplished sexual health educator and mental health professional of 35+ years, motivated by the desire to help others help themselves. As a deeply dedicated humanistic psychotherapist, he is committed to treating every client with respect and compassion while upholding excellence in sexological and mental health care.
As a well-versed sexual scientist, Dr. Michael has maintained a high-quality global and local sex therapy and marriage/couples counseling private practice—over three decades variously based in New Orleans, San Francisco, Manhattan, Alaska, and since 1994, in the Hawaiian Islands—helping thousands of individuals and couples conquer their sexual, marital and relationship challenges to achieve peak sexual health, enriched partner intimacy and greater overall life happiness.
Dr. Michael enjoys a reputation for being a talented, nonjudgmental, seasoned and generous of spirit sex therapist and relationship counselor. In addition to his primary passion of helping people help themselves, he is also a highly respected sex, love, and relationship expert, sex researcher, graduate school professor of counseling psychology and human sexuality, sex offender treatment specialist, sexual health and disease prevention educator, print and online sexual advice columnist, sex and relationship radio personality, and published author.
As both a lifelong student and longtime teacher in the art and science of healthy reciprocal relationships—in addition to being a highly educated and experienced certified erotologist—Dr. Michael knows what he's talking about when it comes to lovingly relating with a partner.
Clients of Aloha Sexual Health & Happiness, LLC Professional Counseling Services receive high quality, evidence-based individual therapy for sexual and/or mental health and/or marital & relationship challenges, whether by telephone or in-person. And while you may rightly associate us with sexual and marital health, please know we are a comprehensive wellness counseling center able to help you manage a wide variety of emotional, mental health and relational issues.
To get started, we encourage you to boldly give yourself permission to explore and celebrate your sexual selfrichly and in ever-expanding magnitudewhile concurrently developing and expanding upon your emotional capacity to love and be loved in return.
Please call for your FREE CONSULTATION to find out how we can help you.
“Wi”
For anyone hesitating to ask for help,
remember that seeking assistance is a sign of strength, not weakness,
and that its all right to get help.
To echo a Department of Veterans Affairs slogan,
"It takes the strength and courage of a warrior to ask for help."
Speaking of which
To Whomsoever it may Concern:
Dr. Bouchard offers all active duty or prior service U.S. Military Veterans a
VETERAN DISCOUNT.
Contact Dr. Bouchard for Details.
There is no denying it takes maturity and a great deal of humility to make ourselves vulnerable; and yet paradoxically, our willingness in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is in itself a very powerful strength which can greatly assist us in our tasks of helping ourselves. Who knew, right?
For these reasons and more Dr. Michael considers himself both humbled and privileged to help people change their lives; through their gritty determination to scratch and claw their way to optimal health, happiness and wholeness, Dr. Michael's clients remind him daily that he is a human being first and a counselor second.
Call Today for a Free Telephone Consultation
Dial 808.965.8800 and ask for Dr. Michael
Specializing in
WORLDWIDE Telephone Counseling Services Since 1981
Where Real Change Takes Place One Person at a Time
Dr. Michael was an early pioneer of distance counseling.
He is a professionally trained telephone counselor with
40 years of telephone counseling experience and over 30 years of online guidance expertise.
Dr. Michael is a proficient and well-seasoned distance counselor. He was an early adapter of telehealth distance consulting via telephone counseling beginning in 1981, and a pioneer of online guidance beginning in 1995.
Whereas unlike the vast majority of untrained and woefully unprepared self-described "distance counselors" recently sprouting-up overnight like mushrooms, no doubt with well-intended yet naively overconfident proposals of providing "Telephone Counseling" or other distance counseling and therapy services, in actuality—
Dr. Michael is a highly qualified, seasoned, and eminently EFFECTIVE distance counseling specialist.
In 1981, the future Dr. Michael began his counseling career as a young, newly-minted clinician where—over the course of the next five years—he specialized in the delivery of high-quality telephone counseling by training as a 24-Hour crisis intervention and suicide prevention volunteer telephone helpline counselor with the New Orleans Crisis Line.
In 1986, Dr. Michael concluded this five year "baptism by fire" crisis hotline counselor apprenticeship to pursue full-time academic study within two specialized graduate school programs in preparation of becoming the highly-trained and credentialed marriage/couples counselor and sex therapist he is today; subsequently earning his double Master of Arts degree of Clinical Counseling Psychology in 1989 and his Doctorate degree of Clinical Sexology in 1994.
Over three decades of telephone and office counseling experience since,
with many thousands of clients WORLDWIDE
have richly seasoned Dr. Michael and helped him evolve into an exceptionally proficient clinician.
Dr. Michael continues to excel in rendering aid, comfort and precious hope today,
whether face-to-face in his Hawai'i office or telephonically from wheresoever you are.
Call now for your FREE telephone consultation.
Helping You to Manifest Your
Whole & Healthy Perfected Self
Throughout Your Entire Life
Sexual Wellness
“Finding Your Path to a Better Sex Life”
Specializing as a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) clinician, Dr. Michael is an old-school sexologist utilizing only the most effective and proven, no-nonsense approaches in cognitive-behavioral counseling and psychological empowerment. Dr. Michael's area of expertise is in helping people change behaviors, overcome problems and increase happiness. Through his global psychotherapy practice he provides discreet, completely confidential and leading-edge mental health care to clients locally, nationally, and internationally via telephone distance counseling.
As a highly credentialed and accomplished sexual scientist and psychosexual counseling sexologist whose comprehensive expertise addresses all matters pertaining to human sexuality both healthy and unhealthy, normal and abnormal, Dr. Michael is eminently qualified to assess, diagnose and provide treatment for most mental, emotional, relational and behavioral issues impacting sexual health and intimacy, psychological fitness and overall wellbeing.
Take courage dear friend, you are not alone in your struggle, for help is at hand. Refuse to let the world harden or crush you.
Be kind to yourself and seek out counseling from Dr. Michael today if you are feeling anxious or depressed, struggling sexually or navigating thorny relationship challenges and can't seem to shake it. Be assured there is no stigma associated with seeking mental health care; on the contrary, optimum mental health wellbeing is for everyone.
When you affirm ownership of your life and inner narrative you prioritize your mental health and intimate relationships with others. What's more, when you truly care for yourself, you put yourself in a much stronger place that benefits everyone around you in addition. In plain speak, the more you evolve and advance in understanding, personal insight and interpersonal awareness, the more your relationships with everyone evolve, advance and improve as well. By refining your thoughts and aligning your behaviors in unison, you consciously harness your energies towards creating a better, more congruent and overall happier life.
You need only begin by efforting to be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving with yourselfso easy does it, Tiger!
As an exceptionally perceptive behavioral health clinician, Dr. Michael skillfully assists his clients in manifesting their harmonious, whole and healthy perfected selfboth in and out of the bedroom. Specifically by assisting clients in identifying and releasingand when required, challenging, disputing, refuting, reframing, revising, reprogrammingtheir mental and emotional attitudes of all self-sabotaging programs and unhealed patterns, deceptive defective social programming, ruminating negative thinking, resentments, grudges, regrets, co-dependency, emotional wounds, traumas, and wrong conclusions.
All of which continue to cause otherwise avoidable pain and suffering in our lives and relationships until they are appropriately addressed, reharmonized and healed, and whenever necessary, forgiven and released. These are the winning strategies necessary to effectively deal with our emotional, mental, physical, relational and spiritual maladies, thereby leveling life’s playing field to go forward with greater ease and increased positive expectation in our daily living. Only henceforth without being constantly seized in the clutches of fear, doubt and negativity.
Sound good to you so far? If the answer is yes, then call Dr. Michael today to discuss getting started in manifesting your own harmonious, whole and healthy perfected self. Chances are good you will thank yourself for it later.
Nothing replaces a face-to-face visit with your doctor. While it would be ideal to meet together in person it could prove expensive and impractical. Fortunately, with over three decades of providing telephone counseling experience under his belt, Dr. Michael's telephone sessions reflect the same care, concern, and effectiveness as his face-to-face consultations.
When it comes to such important matters as your personal sexuality and the health and happiness of your intimate relationships, it’s essential to know that you’re working with an accomplished, skilled, and seasoned clinician you can trust.
Whether you seek face-to-face or telephone distance counseling, therapy and guidance, or online guidance, individually or as a couple, Dr. Michael will assist you in a safe, relaxed, and open environment.
You can depend on receiving competent, effective and confidential care and above all, high-quality results-oriented treatment.
Private home consultations anywhere in the world are sometimes available for clients seeking intensive in person treatment within the privacy and comfort of your home. Dr. Michael specializes in providing accelerated intensive therapy and 100% discreet treatment to celebrities and high-profile individuals. Please call for details.
Divorce isn't a tragedy;
A tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage
without seeking effective professional counseling.
Studies reveal that people in unhappy marriages
are at higher risk for depression, high blood pressure, heart disease and more—
Feeling trapped and worn down in your marriage from constant conflict
and doing nothing about it is not only regrettable
but damaging to your health.
BUSINESS PARTNER
COUPLES COUNSELING
For Anyone Wanting to Work Better Together as a Team
For interpersonal conflict and challenges within a BUSINESS PARTNERSHIP, Dr. Michael's extensive education, expertise and experience in working with Family and Group Dynamics prepares him well to provide confidential and effective, results-oriented "Business Partner Couples Counseling" for anyone in a business relationship seeking to get along better as partners. When counter-productive or destructive interpersonal dynamics are undermining your ability to work well together as a team, Dr. Michael excels in helping partners decrease conflict while increasing ease and productiveness within the work environment. Please call for details.
BRIEF SYNOPSIS OF DR. BOUCHARD'S
PROFESSIONAL QUALIFICATIONS
Click here for Dr. Bouchard’s Detailed Educational, Academic & Professional Curriculum Vitae
Holding a double Masters of Arts Degree in Clinical Counseling Psychology from the University of New Hampshire, Durham, and a Ph.D. in Clinical Sexology from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, San Francisco, Dr. Bouchard brings over three decades of training, experience and heart to his healing work as a professional mental health counselor and behavioral change specialist.
In addition, Dr. Bouchard is a Graduate School Professor Emeritus of Counseling Psychology and Human Services at the University of Phoenix, Hawai'i Campus, in addition to Professor Emeritus of Sexual & Erotic Media Studies and HIV/AIDS/STI Prevention at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, San Francisco.
As an adept and empathetic therapist, Dr. Bouchard provides nonjudgmental emotional support and learned guidance—coupled with precious hope for a brighter future—designed to help clients help themselves.
Dr. Bouchard is an Honorably Discharged
1970's era United States Marine Corps veteran.
NEW CLIENT
UNITED STATES MILITARY
VETERAN DISCOUNT
All active duty or prior service U.S. Armed Forces Veterans
Receive a one-time, 33% Veterans' Discount
with the initial purchase of 3 pre-paid sessions ($185 value)
Contact Dr. Bouchard for Details
Dr. Bouchard is honored to be an Advisory Board Member
& Board Certified Diplomate
of the American College of Sexologists
Dr. Bouchard is also a Board Certified Diplomate & Certified Sexologist
with the American Board of Sexology
Click here to contact Dr. Michael
Love is a Verb
The Sentiment Behind Dr. Bouchard's 1997 Registration of his Domain's Name:
When it comes to fortifying your pair-bond's long-lasting durability, decades of marriage counseling have convinced me that kindness and respect form the strongest two-part "bonding emotional epoxy" adhesive available anywhere on the planet.
People who constantly treat their partner with contempt and endless criticism, whether they realize it or not, poison and undermine their love-bond. Beware of serving, and/or imbibing, a steady diet of cruel treatment, as its toxic venom will inevitably cost you and your beloved your health, happiness, and eventually, your partnership.
Being mean and unkind within our purportedly "loving relationship" usually sounds the death knell of love.
Better we should each strive to practice the art of loving one another kindly.
Practicing the art of loving kindly is not for the timid or the meek. Or impatient. There are no shortcuts.
The art of loving well requires of us to learn, and indeed to sincerely desire of our own volition, how to vibrantly love one's life companion.
Loving vibrantly begins with mutual, ongoing effort
and commitment to loving one another with kindness and respect.
For all your efforts, your relationship will be grow and blossom far beyond your wildest dreams. For real. Try it, you'll see.
Over the past several decades, studies researching lasting marital happiness have shown that kindness—along with emotional stability—are the top two best predictors of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. And that contempt for one's partner is the number one cause for break-ups.
This, of course, should come as no surprise to anyone, as authentic and generous gestures of kindness typically result in the receiving partner feeling genuinely cared for, understood, and validated—or in any other words—loved.
For those couples who endure and go the distance living happily together for years and years, the peerless spirit of loving kindness coupled with heartful generosity form twin beacons that faithfully guide and protect their love.
In a nutshell:
Commit to loving one another kindly and watch your marriage thrive!
The Story Story Behind Dr. Bouchard's Naming His Practice
“Aloha Sexual Health & Happiness”
Aloha—“To Love is to be Happy With”
In the Hawaiian language, Aloha stands for “love.”
As stated by shaman of the Hawaiian tradition Dr. Serge King in his classic “The Little Pink Booklet of Aloha,” Aloha also has a deeper acronymic meaning of “The joyful sharing of life energy in the present.”
Accordingly, the guiding principles of Aloha served as the inspiration behind Dr. Bouchard's naming his sexual therapy and marriage/couples counseling clinic “Aloha Sexual Health & Happiness” upon returning to his childhood home of Hawai'i in 1994 to expand and eventually relocate his Manhattan talk therapy and behavioral change private practice to Maui full time.
Originally based on Maui from 1994 to 2004, Dr. Bouchard practiced Island-Wide before permanently relocating his office to the Big Island in 2005. Today, over twenty years later, he continues serving residents and visitors throughout the Hawaiian Islands, including face-to-face sessions in his Big Island office and—for everyone else—WORLDWIDE vis-à-vis convenient telephonic sessions from the comfort and privacy of your home or office. Or for that matter, from the pool or beach or anywhere else you choose!
Aloha—more commonly known in most parts of the world as loving connection—doesn't exist in a vacuum; it exists within relationships, as ultimately all realities are made up of relationships. Relationships between people, people and Nature, people and their bodies, people and their thoughts and beliefs.
Aloha is the ability to exist in any reality in total harmony—
without judgment or comparison.
It is said that loving embodiment of the incredible energy of Aloha is the secret for attaining true health, happiness, prosperity and success.
Accordingly, for over thirty years Dr. Bouchard and Aloha Sexual Health & Happiness, LLC Professional Counseling Services have been committed to personally embodying and nurturing clients with the life-affirming Spirit of Aloha, whether face-to-face in his Hawai'i office or WORLDWIDE telephonically.
Call Dr. Michael Today for a Free Telephone Consultation
Dial 808.965.8800
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What is a sexologist?
A professional sexologist is a sexual scientist with specialized education in human sexuality.
The cross-disciplinary sexual science of sexology is a science of sexuality that forms a complex body of
epidemiological, biomedical, psychological, sociological, anthropological and clinical knowledge.
In plain-speak: Sexology is the interdisciplinary scientific study of human sexuality—including sexual behaviors, interests and function—and a sexologist is a trained professional with specialized training and advanced degrees in human sexuality.
As sex researchers, Dr. Michael and other research sexologists are recorders and reporters of the facts—what people do, think and feel sexually—and are not judges of the behavior they describe, excepting of course, lawfulness. As a trained counselor in possession of an advanced clinical counseling psychology degree, Dr. Michael offers therapeutically healthy and balanced psychological perspective, sexual education and sexual health and disease prevention education, and sex therapy on all matters of sexuality and intimacy.
As a proficient telephone counselor for over 3 decades—
Dr. Michael specializes in sexual health, happiness and wellbeing,
which encompasses the biological, physiological, mental, emotional, relational and social aspects
of erotic arousal, sexual interest, behavior and function.
As a psychosexual counseling sexologist—possessing graduate degrees in both clinical sexology and in clinical counseling psychology—Dr. Michael is particularly well-equipped as a sex therapist in bridging the realms of sexual health and happiness together with sexual, emotional and relational intimacy, both in and out of the bedroom.
What is sex therapy?
Needless to say, sexual intimacy is important in a close romantic relationship. And yet intimacy involves more than simply sexual expression, as intimacy is comprised of not only physical but emotional, mental and relational closeness, too. Hence, careful attention to each of these realms is necessary to achieve balance leading to lasting and true intimacy that strengthens not just your physical connection but your overall head/heart/body/spirit connection as well.
Sex therapy can facilitate a person in healing past, recent or ongoing sexual hurts and pains that prevent them from fully claiming and celebrating themselves sexually. The process essentially consists of recognizing and releasing old self defeating sex-negative programs while concurrently replacing them with life affirming and sex-positive attitudes and healthy loving behaviors. The end results ultimately lead to increased freedom and self permission to celebrate ourselves in fullness as healthy and vibrant sexual beings. As an added bonus, by claiming and expanding ourselves sexually all other areas of our life and relationships are likewise enhanced and expanded.
According to old folk wisdom,
"You can measure the happiness of a marriage
by the amount of teeth marks that each partner carries upon their tongue."
Plainly put—
Happy spouses know when to bite their tongues.
This old saying suggests that happy, long-lasting couples are not those who never disagree—but on the contrary—are those who have learned the patience and self-control to choose their words carefully during disagreements, and to let minor issues or annoyances pass without comment, thus preventing unnecessary conflict and preserving peace in the relationship.
In this sexdoc's book, being proved "right" in a relationship dispute is the biggest booby prize of all.
Harmonious couples in possession of a deep and caring partnership have learned that
choosing to be happy over being right
yields a big relationship win—
Every. Single. Time.
Accordingly, couples sharing a deep and abiding love consistently take the high road and bite their tongues whenever possible; the better to avoid pouring gas on the fire. Deep and abiding love is rooted in a profound understanding of one another, and characterized by a connection between two people that is marked by trust, respect, and mutual affection that prioritizes the happiness of their beloved.
Just as the ancient Art of War advises, we must also take care to avoid combat in the Art of Love. We never want to intentionally hurt the one we love; goodness knows we will inevitably do so unintentionally plenty enough.
Better we should respectfully seek solutions to our disagreements—and whenever needed, stubbornly hang in there seeking for as long as necessary—until we find and agree upon a mutually agreed win-win best outcome.
Fully formed adults learn to disagree without being abusive, insulting, mocking, scornful or disrespectful. In the end, it is our responsibility to keep a cool head no matter what life throws at us so as to steer safely out of harm's way and recover from events that might crush, break or otherwise leave us diminished and despairing.
If we wish to live our lives empowered and "at cause," verses dis-empowered and "at effect"—regardless of what life has to throw at us—we must rationally manage the following 3 domains of practical awareness, each of which is, mercifully, within our own psychological locus of control to personally determine:
1. Our Cognitions—
As in, the MINDSET we keep:
Primarily via our thoughts and beliefs,
as in what we think and tell ourselves within our inner "self-narrative"
about people, circumstances and events.
2. Our Emotions—
As in, how we REACT:
Primarily via our feelings, as in how we manage and modify—
or fail to manage and modify—our emotional responses;
by emotionally self-regulating our thoughts/feelings/actions before we react or decide what to say and do.
3. Our Behaviors—
As in, the CHOICES we make:
Primarily via our actions, as in what we do;
by way of the actions we take—or refrain from taking.
The development and consistent practice of applied emotional intelligence in these 3 vital domains—all of which are completely within our conscious control when properly exercised—is essential for achieving and maintaining our mental well-being, strong relationships, and overall healthy functioning. Along with preventing us from falling into extremely limiting, self-sabotaging "victim consciousness."
Everything we want in life begins within our mind. Our mind sharpens and directs our perceptions, and our thoughts and feelings shape our reality.
The good news is that if you don't like what you see showing up in your life—your perceptions—you can consciously choose to change it—your reality—of your own volition:
As in—
Change your thinking, change your world—
and your destiny!
Plainly put—
Your thoughts literally create your reality
based upon the quality of the mindset you CHOOSE to hold.
Within this capricious world we live—
Your mental attitude is the only thing over which you alone
have complete, unchallenged, and unchallengeable control.
The most important—and it will come as no surprise to anyone, also the most difficult—time for maintaining self-control and practicing kindness within a relationship is during a fight. Regrettably, once something has been said or done, as the saying goes, "You can't unring a bell."
All the same, controlling our emotions and practicing kindness when we are hurt or angry doesn’t mean we must refrain from expressing our anger; it means kindness tempers the way we choose to express our upset. At its best, kindness restrains and softens, de-fangs and de-weaponizes "the how" of our response.
Fortunately, we can learn ways to manage our emotions instead of allowing our emotions to manage us. It requires adopting and personifying an empowering philosophy that cultivates inner-stability and emotional discipline, such as few over the centuries have understood better than did the ancient Greek Stoics.
Simply put, we must learn to exercise management of our emotions, thoughts and behaviors—referred to today in modern psychology as self-regulating—by paying close attention to what we think and say within our internal self-talk, also known as our inner narrative.
Self-regulation includes the careful monitoring, controlling, and whenever necessary, the swift application of emotionally intelligent, self-directed behavior modification to curb reactive thinking. This simple formula does wonders for staying calm, thinking rationally, and extinguishing disproportionate overreactions during times when one or both partners are emotionally fritzing. Try it, you'll see.
When we consciously change the words, manner and tone in which we speak to one another, especially during times of high emotional agitation—from that of harshness, judgmentalness and cruelty to that of gentleness, nonjudgmentalness and kindness—we not only improve the quality of our communication but that of our entire relationship.
In the end, love is a battlefield that at times requires of us to fight tooth and nail for our love. And yet regrettably, hardly anybody is willing to fight for their love anymore in a proper battle.
Mind you, not by fighting to bloody or best one another, but rather to muster the requisite courage for a proper battle to the death against your own self-injurious crooked thinking, delusion, doubt, fear, pride, and scars of yesterday.
Loving couples effort to cut each other slack, not to cut each other. It is helpful to remind ourselves that our mate is not perfect, and while we are at it, that neither are we. Above all, we must stubbornly refuse to think of our mate as "the enemy" no matter how frustrated or upset we are in the moment. When emotionally connected couples choose to fight, they fight back-to-back with swords slashing outward—never at one another—but against everything threatening to diminish or otherwise rupture their precious pair-bond.
At the first sign of flaring tempers and combusting emotions is the time to let loose a dual stream of self-control and self-regulating emotional intelligence. Namely, by mentally targeting your emergency "emotional combustion extinguisher" at any flash points preventing you from staying present, speaking honestly and with mutual respect, looking for common ground, and seeking to work out problems.
When all is said and done:
True love is what we are willing to endure and abide by when the going gets tough.
Case in point: We can either shoot poison arrows at our partner, or we can gently de-escalate conflict by taking a less aggressive, kinder path of explaining why we are feeling hurt and angry. During disagreements, happy couples look for, propose and seize opportunities to extend an olive branch whenever possible.
For example, by being quick to respond with an unequivocal "Point well made and taken" when our mate's gripes about us or a particular situation are obviously legitimate.
Similarly, happy couples always effort to accept an olive branch whenever it is tendered. No one says it is always going to be easy—hence the effort required to do so—but it is always the best tact to take when you want to stop bludgeoning one another and break away from the battlefield.
Decades of counseling experience have taught me that couples who learn to kiss and make up quickly always come out ahead in marital health and happiness.
Love let's go of everything unlike love—including lovingly releasing any and all nursing of grudges, bitterness, bruised feelings, resentments, etc.
"Love is wise. Hatred is foolish."
In the name of love, we choose to let them go and move on. When it is appropriate, accepting full responsibility and heartfully apologizing to our partner for our shortcomings and boneheaded behavior goes a long ways in making the bittersweet medicine of authentic atonement palatable for swallowing without gagging.
As I am fond of urging clients, "Always admit when you're wrong; especially when you get caught at it."
Offering genuine validation of your partner's complaint, for example, by responding with a sincere and succinct "You're right!" whenever possible, effectively diffuses tension and helps to make disagreements feel far less adversarial.
And while receiving a qualified "You may be right!" is undoubtedly better than nothing when delivered by an emotionally tightfisted mate, fully-formed adults don't hold anything back, but instead go all in. Primarily by accepting full responsibility for our less than stellar behaviors without offering any excuses whatsoever for screwing-up.
Taking full and unequivocal accountability shows integrity.
A good way to start is by showing your willingness to swallow a loving spoonful of unconditional responsibility humble pie for any and all your admittedly poor choices and regrettable actions. Doing so will go a long ways in helping your partner to feel "heard, gotten and validated." And as a bonus, it turns out that owning up to your missteps during heated moments is especially effective at nudging an upset partner to, at least briefly, "call off the dogs."
In and of itself, owning your faux pas may sometimes suffice for your partner to let the matter go, but when it does not, you must next initiate peace talks that find and establish clear agreements. Effort like hell to keep any promises and uphold any agreements you make with your mate. Naturally, being that trust is a two-way street, that goes for both of you.
Plainly put: Going forward, mindfully strive to avoid repeating the same blunder and follow through accordingly with consistent right action.
It will come as no surprise that happy couples have learned to avoid disaster by quickly and consistently choosing to engage in re-unifying emotional repair and maintenance over foolishly prolonging discord and irritation by continuing to trade cheap, self-defeating emotional pot-shots with one another.
There is a Japanese legend that says,
"Whether it's a machine, a house, or a relationship, maintenance is always cheaper than repairing.
What you don't maintain, you eventually lose."
Simply stated: Everything valuable requires ongoing investment to last. Proactive maintenance is always cheaper and more effective than reactive repair.
Love is an effort that can and often does pay us dividends beyond measure, though only when that love is properly serviced and maintained. To ensure the smoothest and pleasantest journey along your pair-bonded freeway of love, make it your habit to apply gobs of greased attention to any "squeaky wheels" crying out for maintainence so as to prevent your love from seizing up and grinding your tender affections to an abrupt and screeching halt.
In the final analysis, happy couples strive to have less grievance and more fun. No-brainer, right? Just remember, the pursuit of happiness is a consistent choice that emotionally intelligent couples make.
We will always have problems, and we will always have some sort of conflict going on in our life; this being the case, a good objective is to still enjoy life while solving them.
Our happiness or unhappiness is mostly determined by what we choose to place our attention on, and how we choose to express ourselves when we want or need something from our mate. As I am fond of reminding clients, it's never the what and always the how of our reaction that matters most in co-creating peace and harmony in our lives.
Couples who maintain a stable, healthy intimate relationship effort to speak with softness and exercise kindness early on and often, including prioritizing rapid and liberal application of the transformative balm of loving kindness known as forgiveness whenever required.
While there are many reasons why relationships fail, one of the key determinants contributing to the deterioration of civil relationships is often the breakdown of loving kindness. Among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the consistent spirit of kindness and generosity is what guides them forward.
Most of us derive warm and empowering satisfaction when we feel our lives are aligned with our ultimate values, and conversely experience diminishing feelings of distress and unrest when they are not.
That's why selecting the right therapist fit for you is absolutely essential. Therapy is a deeply personal undertaking, where your growth and psychological transformation depends upon finding the most suitable therapeutic match for you.
Namely, through your personal selection of a skilled counseling clinician whom respects you and your lifestyle without passing judgment while effectively assisting you therapeutically as much as possible according to your values, beliefs, and priorities—not theirs.
"Lifestyle" includes not only your personal circumstances, but also how you see yourself,
as well as your tendencies for thought and action in life.
In short, each of us operates from our very own "The World According to Me" personal software program.
This individualized worldview mindset, composed of your personality and personal disposition,
is what colors and ultimately determines your overall outlook on life.
When all is said and done, the best counseling respects each client's personal values while helping to straighten out any "crooked thinking" that is uncovered, in addition to providing healthy and informed choice options along with as much support and encouragement as necessary to make needed changes in your life.
Informed choice is the process of choosing from options based on accurate information, knowledge, and personal empowerment. As a seasoned and globally acclaimed sex therapist, Dr. Michael is highly capable in assisting clients to achieve optimum levels of sexual and emotional health, along with increased capacity for intimacy and greater happiness.
The practice of sex therapy is as much an art as it is a science; essentially, it is more a reflection of that therapist's own individual creative synthesis than a data-determined process. Science and ideology are both belief systems that influence the nature of clinical interactions.
The happiest, most well-adjusted individuals and couples amongst us have discovered that sex is a wonderful way to express ardent affection while exploring pleasure and sharing intimate human connection through as much of ourselves as we can. Beginning with the healthy cultivation of a pleasure-positive, robust sexual mindset contributing to a curious exploration of sexual intimacy, passionate attraction and all-encompassing carnal merrymaking without an agenda or goal orientation.
Simply put, rather than narrowly striving to achieve orgasm, we learn to let go of the end goal so as to wholistically focus upon the entire erotic encounter, thereby empowering ourselves to richly experience the best of all possible worlds.
Generally speaking, the most pleasant and splendid sexual experiences are not so much about the climactic arrival as they are about the joy in the journey itself.
Accordingly—
The great art in life is to have as many wonderful journeys as possible—
Sexual and otherwise.
As a psychosexual counseling sexologist, Dr. Michael is a no-nonsense clinician providing professional, non-judgmental, sensitive, sex and pleasure positive assistance which can help you to experience more of what is wanted and less of what is not within every realm of your life by means of a well-integrated body, mind, heart and spirit.
Dr. Michael encourages every client to make the best informed choices for themselves—consistent with their own personal beliefs, priorities and motivations.
As Dr. Michael is fond of saying, he is not here to impose his world-view upon anyone. On the contrary, he seeks to empower clients to achieve a clearer and expanded world-view leading to the living of their best life ever—each in accord with his or her own self-chosen goals, values and desires.
Why seek counseling from a sexologist—and specifically, from Dr. Michael?
As an accomplished Double Board-Certified Clinical Sexologist, Dr. Michael Ra Bouchard, M.A., Ph.D., practices as a psychosexual counseling clinician, sex researcher, graduate school professor of human sexuality and counseling psychology, author and expert in the respective fields of sexology and relationship counseling.
His therapeutic focus is always results-oriented and applicable to everyday living in the here and now. Dr. Michael's candid one-of-a-kind thought provoking style teaches and assists clients to recognize and reframe their thinking errors and cognitive distortions of perception.
Today—as a highly proficient counselor, educator and care giver—Dr. Michael continues to embrace the philosophy of empowering his clients to consciously live at cause in their life so as to bring about more of what is wanted and less of what is not in their experiences.
Clients of Aloha Sexual Health & Happiness, LLC Professional Counseling Services receive high quality, evidence-based individual therapy for sexual and/or mental health and/or marital & relationship challenges, whether by telephone or in-person. And while you may rightly associate us with sexual and marital health, please know that we are also a comprehensive wellness counseling center able to help you manage a wide variety of emotional, mental health and relational issues.
Specializing as a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) clinician, Dr. Michael utilizes only the most effective and proven approaches to mindfullness-based cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).
From 1991-97, Dr. Michael strived to optimize his REBT clinical skills in his mid-town Manhattan sex therapy and marriage counseling private practice. Over the same period, Dr. Michael had the incredibly good fortune to further his REBT expertise by attending the international Albert Ellis Institute in upper Manhattan. During this time he perfected his clinical skills as both a student and as a counseling client of the acknowledged "Father of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy" (REBT), the incomparable cognitive-behavioral psychologist—and also eminently accomplished sexologist—Dr. Albert Ellis.
What is Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy?
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is a highly effective cognitive-behavioral therapy developed by Stoic scholar and—in my professional estimation—the greatest of all time counseling clinician, the late Dr. Albert Ellis. He is widely recognized as a pivotal figure in the development of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy isn't modern at all—it actually dates back over 2000 years ago to ancient Greek and Roman Stoic philosophers such as Seneca, Rufus, Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, Rusticus, and others who understood that, in the final analysis of our lives—
WHAT HAPPENS TO US
matters less than
WHAT WE TELL OURSELVES ABOUT IT
within our mind.
In the end—
WHAT happens in life is NOT as important as
HOW YOU REACT
to what happens in life.
Simply put:
Although adversity and pain are generally beyond our control,
we always have the power TO SELF-DETERMINE OUR RESPONSE AND SUBSEQUENT FATE that comes from that.
Recognizing the profound scope of this ancient wisdom, Dr. Ellis set out to build a modern psychotherapeutic model based upon it to help his clients identify and challenge irrational beliefs that lead to negative emotions and self-defeating behaviors. Specifically, an approach reflecting his focus on challenging irrational beliefs, which he originally named Rational Emotive Therapy, or RET for short.
More than three decades later, Dr. Ellis formally acknowledged that RET's basic theoretical orientation encompassed the cognitive, emotive, and behavioral elements and the interplay between thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Accordingly, in the early 1990's, he renamed this expanded cognitive behavioral therapy to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, or REBT.
To his lifelong credit, for over 50 years Dr. Ellis never stopped honing and developing REBT, a tireless workhorse until his dying day in 2007 at age 93. Bravo, Doctor!
REBT is a theory of personality and system of psychological training and treatment that emphasizes the role of unrealistic expectations and irrational beliefs. It is based upon the precept that emotions follow from our thoughts and judgments about people and events, and not from people or events themselves. REBT seeks to address disturbances caused by false and distorted beliefs towards overcoming the predisposition towards faulty thinking.
As a skilled, seasoned and dedicated REBT counseling expert, you can count on receiving effective, results-oriented treatment while discussing your most private matters frankly and openly with Dr. Michael.
And as a counseling clinician and fallible human being, Dr. Michael feels fortunate to have been markedly touched by Dr. Ellis' greatness.
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction."
Antoine de Saint Exupery
The Little Prince
What is Marriage Counseling?
Marriage Counseling, also called Couples Counseling, is a form of counseling that will work for most every couple married or not—who are willing to work at it. It merely requires the willingness of both people to invest in maintaining their relationship and a tenacity to hang in there and go the distance. Counseling can help you to develop sufficient self-awareness to be honest with yourself and the role you play in your relationship, and can help you to develop empathy by reflecting on how your behaviors and motivations are impacting your partner.
In plain-speak:
Honesty requires much more than simply telling the truth to other people—
True honesty requires telling the truth about yourself to yourself.
When all is said and done the virtue of honesty forms the foundation and substance of all human relationships.
Hence, it is only by mutually committing to honesty with ourselves and each other—while efforting throughout the one part-learning/one part-healing/one part-emotionally expanding process—that our relationships grow, flourish, and become all the richer and stronger for so doing.
What is more, as love is a verb, it requires both our continuous effort and our corresponding loving action to make and keep it our ongoing reality. Indeed, as Dr. Michael is fond of emphasizing to clients, and especially to couple's prone to emotionally bludgeoning one another "in the name of love:"
Love is an action word best expressed Kindly.
Practicing kindness with one another
is a demonstration of applied loving care.
When all is said and done—
Loving kindly is a choice.
To have a stronger, happier and more fulfilling marriage,
each partner must strive daily to be a better spouse;
ideally resulting in both partners believing they themselves to be "the lucky one."
The idea is to ongoingly improve oneself in order to become the best possible partner we can be for our beloved. Starting with cultivating kindness, goodness, respect and faithfulness within our romantic relationship.
And if we are wise, along the way we acquire the knowledge, personal insights, and skillsets necessary to effectively move past blocks in our relationship—past, present and future—thereby paving the way for us to claim win-win solutions both preserving and enhancing our love.
Contempt resulting from unresolved conflict
is the #1 reason for couples ending a marriage.
First and foremost, pleasant relating with our mate is achieved by consciously prioritizing and consistently practicing a simple, yet absolutely essential, relational tenet in all interpersonal communications and behaviors with our significant other.
Namely, by consistently choosing and correspondingly efforting to—
Love one another kindly—
Starting by being kinder to yourself.
Just because couples sometimes argue and disagree doesn't mean they don't love one another.
The occasional "spat" or "rough patch" is part and parcel of virtually every couples' relationship. All the more reason that the happiest couples amongst us learn to push past their upset and strive to resolve challenging issues as respectfully, authentically and lovingly as possible.
In the end, what most matters during difficult and tense times when relating is the manner in which both partners approach the situation—each as individuals and together as a couple.
The happiest and most resilient couples view conflict
as an opportunity for learning new things
about their partner's ever-evolving needs.
Whenever possible, happy couples make connection by efforting to find humor in the annoying moment rather than stewing in frustration or pitching fits that serve only to create even bigger roadblocks and increased emotional distance.
As I typically invoke with a wide smile to clients during sessions in regards to one or both partners complaints about the others perceived "idiocyncracies"—
"Well you see, the thing is, we're all a little funny."
That being the case, why not have a little fun with it instead by looking for, finding and expressing the humor in the moment. Just be sure to only do so with sincere good will and affection, and never in a manner that is mean-spirited or expressed with bad intent.
Better instead we should effort to laugh at our own and others so-called quirks and idiosyncrasies and let go of our neurotic need for people to be and act the way we want and not the way they want. Usually the best policy is simply to laugh it off and move on quickly. Once you make up your mind to get over it you will be over halfway there.
And therein lies the rub.
A major factor in determining "what's next" during and following a dispute is the quality of the mindset, attitude, and respect—or lack thereof—that each party brings to addressing contentious matters. Naturally, the goal is always to get back onto the Road to Happiness quickly and with as little muss and fuss as possible.
This we do primarily by carefully listening to and authentically acknowledging each other's viewpoint, with the goal being to gain greater understanding on both your parts that helps to resolve any issues of contention. Ideally, doing so in a mutually respectful manner that doesn't leave any lingering unmet needs, unresolved tension or residual hurt feelings continuing to fester.
Respect—not love—is the "gorilla glue" that holds couples together. Without respect, yours is a relationship built upon shifting emotional sands that will inevitably clog, choke, and swallow it up alive.
We best demonstrate respect by being honest, open and responsive in tone and manner to our partner's legitimate gripes about us, as opposed to nursing an immature "dud mindset" that remains stubbornly closed, defensive and/or outright antagonistic.
Perceived partner emotional responsiveness is priceless; feeling that one's partner listens and cares is unmatched in deepening emotional connection and fortifying relationship stability. When handled well, namely through appropriate responses quickly followed by congruent action, these conversations go a long way in de-escalating tension while building and rebuilding trust, emotional connection and intimacy. Just be sure to follow through on any agreements you make; as the old saying goes, talk is cheap and action speaks louder than words.
Asking open-ended questions, such as "What is the main thing you want from me right now?" or "What is the one thing you want me to understand right now?" are also helpful in shifting the tone from one of finger-pointing blame and anger to one of mutual cooperation and the taking of personal responsibility.
Just be sure after they tell you what it is that you—as best humanly possible—give it to them! That includes hanging in there seeking solutions until you are both on the same page, and following through on your agreements.
When one partner's tended request is promptly followed by the other partner's genuinely caring, receptive responses and corresponding actions, it initiates a gracious and abiding approach inviting authentic connection that rarely fails to assist couples in corraling roughstock and stampeding high-arousal emotions.
Granted, it's a tall order at times, but you can do it. I'll go so far as to say that if you dearly want your relationship to be happy and your love to go the distance, it really is the only "rodeo" in town!
Case in Point: In over 3 decades of counseling couples to date, I have yet to hear of even one instance where anyone successfully argued their way into conjugal bliss—that will be the day.
I suggest mentally tattooing these tried and tested "loving guidelines" to the inner cubby of your cranium for safe-keeping and future reference. I promise you will thank yourself for it later.
Couples need to be there for one another not just during the easy times, but during the not so easy times as well—especially when it's hard. During times that upset and scare you, it's vital to push through your fear if you are ever to reach something beautiful and worthwhile on the other side of your panic or dismay.
Well-adjusted couples don't sweat the small stuff. They are also quick to offer—and accept—a sincere and unqualified "I'm sorry" whenever warranted.
Take care with your words!
Words are extremely powerful. Words transform both speaker and hearer. Words feed on understanding, emotion and energy sent back and forth and amplified.
If couples are to avoid the predictable negative fallout resulting from the slinging of careless and hurtful words at one another, especially when emotions are running close to the surface, each partner must strive to exercise positive regard, receptivity and good will with their words in real time. As in, snap yourself out of it quick!
In the end, love protects, not attacks. If it ain't nice, don't say it. Your long-term happiness will thank you.
Case in point: More than three decades have now passed since I first read a touching variation on a theme of a little poem we all learned ages ago as children. Purportedly written by a remarkably aware first grade girl, to follow is her timeless, heart-tugging realization:
"Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words can break my heart."
Successfully navigating love's occasional squalls and rough seas as a couple and a team requires 200% effort and good intention—split equally—to avoid being swamped by emotionally alienating rogue waves.
During times of disharmony and upset feelings the smartest couples seek calmer waters of collaborative reciprocal advantage which can lead them to common ground that restores harmony and happiness. Resulting in what I like to call "the vaunted mutual win."
Achieving this optimal "win-win" outcome requires effectively resolving tough "love blocking situations" to your mutual satisfaction in a gentle and abiding process that not only bridges the gap of separation but actually increases emotional closeness. Doing anything else will likely result in yet another divisive brick being layed in the wall, further separating you from love while adding to your mutual hurt, loneliness and despair.
Generally speaking, it's always best to face relationship challenges head-on; usually, the sooner, the better, though in the heat of the moment the words can, and sometimes do, come out a bit too rough.
When that happens, it is best to call a brief "time out" for 30-60 minutes to cool off before attempting to tackle the issue again. Take care to refrain from any and all personal attacks saying or doing mean and/or spiteful things that you will later dearly regret once cooler heads prevail. Regrettably, we cannot take back a statement or action no matter how badly we want to.
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." I hope by now I am preaching to the choir.
Suffice it to say, learning to practice emotional regulation—commonly known in the vernacular as "getting a grip and keeping your cool"—is vital during disagreements. When extended periods of misery and relationship pain from the inability to see eye-to-eye threaten to torpedo your loveboat, no matter how many times or how hard you try to resolve pesky and persistent issues of contention, don't hesitate to reach out for professional backup.
When emotions from unresolved disputes and tension
are running close to the surface and getting in the way of resolving your differences,
an objective third-party can help.
While every emotion is real, not every emotion is worth your energy. Especially at times when they prompt you to react too fast and/or overreact in ways that crack and undermine the solid bedrock of trust and safety forming the unshakeable foundation of every healthy relationship.
Things will always happen in life that we cannot control. But it is our reaction—which we can control—that ultimately determines what our experience will be.
As long ago recognized by former Roman slave turned freedman Greek Stoic Philosopher Epictetus:
"It is not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."
My three decades of counseling experience have taught me that the two biggest killers of loving connection are dysfunctional couple dynamics which typically results in one or both partners feeling over-controlled and/or emotionally neglected by the other. Clearly the essential task of each partner forming a loving partnership is efforting to stay within our own lane by maintaining supportive, love enhancing boundaries with one another—never more so than during heated, "high-arousal" negative emotion disputes which trigger our "fight, flight or freeze" response.
"Love brings up everything unlike love for the purpose of healing and release."
❤️
It helps to think of emotions as data and therefore to view emotions as information.
Even so, beware. Not every emotion can be accepted at "face value." On the contrary, sometimes our highly aroused emotions may confuse and mislead us, especially when they are running close to the surface. As most of us have already learned the hard way, it is generally a good idea to shift into a calmer state before acting to keep from over-reacting and/or saying and doing things we soon come to regret.
The fact is, not every emotion is accurate; nor does every emotion deserves a reaction. To make heads and tails of which is which, as well as to validate and/or learn how to control your feelings and reactions, don't hesitate to reach out for professional assistance to help you find and hit the reset button for your brain.
Asking for help when you're stuck and unable to work out disagreements or challenging situations on your own reflects a healthy and strong ego strength. Seeking help when you find your self stuck in a negative loop and or at an impasse is also a sign of applied emotional intelligence. Good on you!
"As the twig is bent..."
Dr. Michael knows what he's talking about. Aside from sitting as a counseling therapist in "the doctor's chair" over the past three plus decades, he has as well sat upon "the doctor's couch" as a counseling client on different occasions.
Long before becoming a professional therapist, as well as a few times since, Dr. Michael has sought out professional counseling and psychotherapy for his own personal issues—at various times and locations as a family, individually and as a couple, beginning light-years ago in New Hampshire as a youth attending family therapy in the mid-1970's.
Looking back now nearly 50 years later with deep gratitude, Dr. Michael still vividly remembers when he, his parents, and his two younger siblings attended a small handful of family therapy session together during his high school years.
Unknown to him then and only recognized in retrospect decades later, those long-ago family counseling sessions also served to plant an unseen seed within the future Dr. Michael's subconscious to pursue advanced education and training towards one day becoming a professional counseling psychologist himself—and now you know the rest of the story!
Working with a skilled and warmhearted couple's therapist such as Dr. Michael—especially during conflict and crisis—may very well be key to effectively saving your peace of mind, your love for one another, and possibly even your marriage or relationship.
At the end of the day—
Happy, deeply in love couples are characterized by
two people sharing a profound connection of goodwill with one another,
marked by an abundance of trust, respect, and mutual affection.
While choosing goodwill over bickering and resentment will regrettably not end every conflict when the going gets rough, kindness generally goes a long way in helping to protect—and when its required, restore—the warmth and closeness of the deep and abiding love that, as a pair-bonded couple and a team, yearns only to surge freely and unthrottled between both your hearts.
The happiest couples amongst us always choose kindness over being right!
Really, always? Yes, always!
Don't worry about being some kind of saint to do it—you just need to be consistent in your choices 100% of the time.
This includes responding with honesty, care and vulnerability, all of which build rather than destroy resilient emotional bonds. In practical application, simply strive to lead, connect and reconnect with love, kindness, compassion and empathy. When you find yourself sputtering or needing to make numerous attempts before finally getting it right, keep on keeping on by stubbornly hanging in there for as long as it takes until eventually you do.
I can almost hear the growns and see the eye-rolls, "100% of the time you say, impossible!" Maybe, but we can still effort for it nonetheless.
Being a remarkably fallible human being myself, I am the first to admit 100% consistency is a steep requirement for mindful emotional regulation and restrained human behavior, but here is the kicker: As it turns out, sticking to our principles 100% of the time is actually easier than sticking to them 99% of the time. Who knew?
Just be quick to "auto-course-correct" yourself the moment you first realize that you are making the wrong choice. Since the look on your partner's face is generally the best clue to gauge your success, until what you are saying and doing diminishes an upset look and response or, better still, elicits a favorable look and response from your partner, keep looking for more or better ways that help you to ratchet up the kindness factor.
Likewise, during emotionally volatile times when what you hear coming out of your own mouth—or both your and your partner's mouths—is snippy, sarcastic, poison-tongued or flat-out chain-saw cruel, that's your cue to shove a sock in it quick!
Pause and remind yourselves that you are on the same team the moment you recognize that one or both of you are starting to lose control and behaving in an unacceptable manner.
And finally, with no hesitation whatsoever, take a sledgehammer to access your mental "Break Glass in Case of Emergency" emotional reset lever and then give it a hearty yank, the better to activate finding an agreeable mutual resolution to your quarrel. Only this time, stubbornly effort to mutually personify the qualities of gentleness and non-reactivity as best humanly possible. I promise it will feel so good when you do, and feel so bad when you don't. Try it, you'll see.
No matter the upset, never lose sight of the fact that the objective is to stay emotionally connected, not to criticize or control the other person.
A good place to begin is by personifying the way you want to be treated. As in, giving what you want to get. From umpteen observations during couples sessions I have discovered that partners who treat their beloved the way they want to be treated are generally well-rewarded for their efforts, as happy well-adjusted couples tend to unconsciously mirror one another emotionally.
When things go from bad to worse in a disagreement, you must vigorously pull the reins in before trampling one another. Similar to being the Director of your own Hollywood movie, effort to muster a smile on your face and playfully shout out: "Cut! Cut! Cut! Let's try it again, shall we? Only this time, without all the drama. And with more emotional regulation and less blaming...Take 2, ACTION!..." repeating whenever necessary, "Cut! Cut! Cut! Take 3... etc." with as many cuts and takes as required until finally you each secure an emotional grip on yourselves and pull your heads out of your fannies.
Keep in mind that the more we panic, thrash and struggle during emotionally charged moments, the deeper we sink. Similar to when initially finding ourselves caught in quicksand's slippery and stubborn grasp, it calls for keeping a level head to avoid being sucked down farther.
This being the case, whenever emotional dysregulation—as in losing our cool—raises its ugly head and threatens to make matters worse, we must quickly effort to get a grip. Start by efforting to keep calm and move slowly, which results in our thoughts quite literally becoming less dense, the better to assist us in wiggling loose from any bogged down thinking.
We best mitigate our distress through the application of deliberate, self-directed mental efforts to remain calm whenever tempers flare up, and when appropriate, by calming ourselves and each other down quickly when sparks start to fly. The sooner the better.
Even in the heat of the moment, we must still look for and find reasons to care. We must still look for and find the good in one another, even through the pain that has been caused. Tall order? You bet, yet it is the only dance worth dancing.
For very good reason it has long been said that true love requires grit. And tenacity—not to mention TWO boatloads of bouyant, self-righting resiliency.
In the name of love, mature and responsible adults choose to relinquish demands that are either unrealistic or irrational, muzzle any bad or immature behavior on each partner's part, and genuinely effort to address and redress the upset to one another's full satisfaction. Whereupon, they kiss and make up.
After more than three decades of observing couples and their dynamics during sessions, I can attest that emotionally intelligent couples work together as a team, NOT against one another. Once couples personally discover the numerous life-changing benefits that follow from "letting go of the struggle," it essentially becomes a no-brainer.
In the end, it is only after we let go of the struggle that we stand any realistic chances for success in extricating ourselves from the affection-snuffing emotional quagmires that, from time to time, pose challenges that threaten to annihilate each and every intrepid pair-bonded duo daring to go the distance along life's ocassionally rocky Road to Happiness.
It bears reiteration: The path of enduring pair-bonded love is neither for the timid nor the meek!
When the going gets too rough, that's your cue to immediately ease off—
Start by slowing the pace down, or better yet, calling a brief "time out" to each get a grip and regroup
whenever you find yourselves becoming emotionally winded and gasping for air.
Pair-bonded love is a marathon, not a sprint;
emotionally intelligent couples learn to catch their breath and pace themelves accordingly.
Loving kindly goes a long ways in softening annoyances, dissolving tension and smoothing over jagged points of contention. Beyond all expectations, making up our minds to persistently take the path of loving kindness in our every human interaction initiates a quiet yet powerful act of hope, courage and change bettering all of our relationships and social interactions.
And best of all, our commitment to the respectful personification of good will and kindness benefits everyone we encounter along the way, including—and most especially—ourselves.
"When you love someone, you love the whole person,
just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be."
Leo Tolstoy,
Anna Karenina
Dr. Michael respects each client’s personal values
and does not judge or discriminate against anyone.
He is committed to providing excellence in every session,
whether meeting face-to-face in his Hawai'i office
or globally via phone counseling and online guidance.
As a Double Board-Certified Sexologist in private practice for over 30 years, Dr. Michael Ra Bouchard has frequently heard clients speak about difficulties in locating a trained and talented counselor to help with their sensitive sexual concerns and private relationship problems. With all the talk and attention given to sex and relationships today, one might expect that a professionally qualified "sexdoc” would be about as common as your neighborhood corner convenience store.
Surprisingly, there are at most only a couple of thousand professionally trained and board-certified sexologists in the entire world, with the vast majority of them working in a multitude of disciplines outside of the counseling field. As for the handful of sexologists specializing in sex therapy and relationship counseling, even fewer in number are the tiny minority of us possessing BOTH an advanced Counseling Psychology degree AND an advanced Sexological degree. Apparently, we "full pedigree" counselor-sexologists are spread rather sparsely around the planet!
All the more reason you can trust Dr. Michael with your care, as he is a well-trained and highly educated Clinical Counseling Behavioral Health Clinician AND Doctor of Human Sexuality, having earned BOTH a Master of Arts in Clinical Counseling Psychology and a Ph.D. in Clinical Sexology advanced degrees.
In his practice as a dual board-certified clinical sexologist at Aloha Sexual Health & Happiness, LLC Professional Counseling Services, Dr. Michael specializes in all matters of sexuality, intimacy, marriage/couples and relationship counseling, guidance and therapy.
In addition to being an acclaimed sex therapist and marriage/couples counselor, Dr. Michael is a professionally trained telephone counseling specialist with over 40 years of telephone counseling experience, starting as a 24-Hour crisis intervention and suicide prevention telephone helpline counselor with the New Orleans Crisis Line in 1981.
As an accomplished and reputable distance counselor rendering aid, comfort and precious hope to many thousands of clients WORLDWIDE by telephone for over four decades, you can trust Dr. Michael for competent, confidential, and nonjudgmental help with your sexuality and most precious personal relationships from the comfort of your home.
Dr. Michael strives to help clients help themselves by making better choices and behavioral changes that bring about more of what they want and less of what they don’t in their lives and relationships. Above all else, Dr. Michael considers himself privileged to help people change their lives; through their gritty determination to scratch and claw their way to health, happiness and wholeness, his clients remind him daily that he is a human being first and a counselor second.
Nothing replaces a face-to-face visit with your doctor. While it would be ideal to meet together in person it could prove expensive and impractical. Fortunately, with over three decades of providing telephone counseling experience under his belt, Dr. Michael's telephone sessions reflect the same care, concern, and effectiveness as his face-to-face consultations.
When it comes to such important matters as your personal sexuality and the health and happiness of your intimate relationships, it’s essential to know that you’re working with an accomplished, skilled, and seasoned clinician you can trust. Whether you seek face-to-face or telephone distance counseling, therapy and guidance, or online guidance, individually or as a couple, Dr. Michael will assist you in a safe, relaxed, and open environment. You can depend on receiving competent, effective and confidential care and above all, high-quality results-oriented treatment.
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