Copyright 1999
Michael Ra Bouchard, Ph.D.
All rights reserved.
"Kissing Lessons for Lovers"
by Michael Ra Bouchard, Ph.D.
Erotologist
“Any man that can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl
is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
Albert Einstein
Kiss--
a touch or caress with the lips,
often with some pressure and suction as an
act of affection, desire or greeting.
A kiss is "up close and personal." So up close, you can smell your partner's hair, feel their touch, taste their lips, hear and feel their breath, and if you peek, even see their pores while you're at it. And so personal, a kiss literally ignites and electrically excites your whole body with multi-sensory stimulation flooding with arousal, your largest sex organ of all-your mind.
It's a little-known fact that the lips, the tongue and all the wet caverns of the mouth are richly supplied with nerve endings nearly as sensitive as the genitals. The ecstatic effects of kissing have been known and documented for millennia. Ancient writings over two thousand years old, including Taoist religious guides, such as Erotic Kissing and The Tao of Loving and Ars Amatoria by the celebrated Roman poet, Ovid, are but a few examples. Ovid describes erotic kissing as "Essentially a sexual act leading to increased intimacy and sexual consummation." And for ancient Chinese, to kiss in public was akin to public intercourse.
Recent research has shown that as sexually arousing as kissing can be, its primary purpose may be to vet the suitability of potential mate, or to strengthen bonds within existing one. Women tend to place more value on kissing than men, and are unsurprisingly far more likely than men to change their judgment of a potential mate after a first kiss. Women rate kissing as an important way to reinforce attachment in long-term relationships, and not without reason. According to one study, frequent kissing is a better indicator of a couple's overall happiness than frequent sex.
When we experience sexual desire towards another person, we seek sexual contact, though not necessarily sexual intercourse or genital contact. Hand-holding, kissing, hugging, and other non-coital and non-genital physical touching such as baring and caressing of bodies all fall on the sexual interaction continuum of sexual acts. The shared meanings of acts by sexual participants, along with intention, are what determine if an act is sexual, or not. For example, the baring and touching of a woman's breast would be a sexual act when it involves the erotic caressing of bodies, whereas when performed in a doctor's office as part of a physical examination it is not. Sexual activities are, above all, human interactions laced with meaning.
Kisses between lovers have many different meanings, nuances and communications. There is a wide spectrum of kisses ranging from the slight touching of the lips in friendly greeting, to the passionate open-mouthed kiss involving the tongues of intimate partners-known as the French Kiss. No matter what the style, kissing is always a very personal expression.
Clearly the mouth has long been known as one of the most erogenous zones of all. The touch of the lips and tongue provides very intense and intimate contact, which can stimulate and increase sexual excitement to the point of ecstasy. A great kiss sweeps us away into states of breathless exhilaration, boundless expansion and peak experience beyond expectation through sensual arousal and satisfaction, over and over, and over…again and again and again, in time altering merging of boundaries.
Not surprisingly, the erotic potential of the kiss has not been lost on the animal kingdom. Most mammals, even some fish, lizards and birds, engage in leisurely oral sex play for long periods of time-sometimes hours-before actual intercourse takes place. Is it any wonder then that many humans consider the kiss to be the ultimate expression of intimacy, and some even view it as the original oral sex?
And while it's well known that most call girls and prostitutes will engage in practically any sex act that a client is willing to pay for, very seldom does that include lip-to-lip kissing. This delicious act is usually not available at any price. Indeed, it is typically reserved only for those with whom they choose to willingly share their most personal and heartfelt intimate favors. No doubt this is in large part due to the overpowering sexual stimulation and heart opening effects that the act of kissing has upon them. With this in mind, some people consider the kiss to be the most intimate act of all.
Perhaps you remember the hit movie, Pretty Woman? In the beginning of the movie the characters specifically said to each other, "No kissing." Kissing came only later when the relationship became mutually "up close and personal" for both of them, and when they both wanted and chose to share the increased intimacy that only kissing can bring.
So, what makes a great kiss? Is it like the movie kisses with romantic actors we can identify with and fantasize about? Or is it the juicy sounds that arouse us deeply in places we're not even sure how to describe? Or is it the setting and beautiful surroundings that stimulate desires that crave satisfaction? And then there are the mechanics of kissing-Is a great kiss about technique? Sexiness? Style? Turn on? Love? Ultimately, you will have to determine that for yourself. The good news is you already hold all the keys you need to become a great kisser!
Like many other sensual acts in the art of love, most of us stumble through those early steps until we get it, or at least think we get it. But are we really receiving all the pleasure we can receive if we stop learning or experimenting once we think we've got it down? Probably not, and while we may undeniably receive and give pleasure from the acts, is it not likely that, with advanced instruction and practice, we can get more from it? Think of it as rearranging the apples in the apple press in order to get every bit as much of the juice as possible from each delicious piece of fruit. If you willing to follow this same line of thinking, then you're now ready to set out on this wonderful adventure of becoming one of the greatest kissers around.
If you're like most people, you're probably wondering who needs kissing lessons to kiss-you just pucker up and press your lips together, right? Though then again, who needs lessons to dance or sing for that matter? You just move your feet to the music or let the song that's inside you come out, right? As with most arts, the greater the sensitivity we innately possess and further develop, the greater our capacity and ability to express ourselves in fullness. Study, instruction and practice can assist us in becoming even more attuned with our self and our pursuit. Anyone can become a great kisser-including you! You can begin to receive more pleasure through your lips when kissing erotically, by simply becoming more aware of how and why you "move" them. All that is required is a bit of study, instruction and practice before you'll be ready to "two-lip-tango" like nobody's business.
A great kiss makes a lasting impression, one that pays dividends far beyond the immediate pleasure received through your sensory organs and their delightfully sensitive and tender tissues. It's a sad fact that a bad kiss can virtually make or break any hope for a next date, let alone further intimate connection. When you are able to captivate and arouse your partner through your kisses, your partner's desire for increased levels of pleasure sharing and intimacies of the heart and body nearly always follows.
When it comes to igniting passion, kissing is fundamental for lift-off. Nothing is more disappointing than a bad kiss-and that awful awkward moment when your hopes for wailing fire alarms and skyrocketing fireworks is suddenly silenced by dull and sloppy lips. Or, worse yet, during those times when you feel that your mouth is practically being assaulted by an urgent and mindless probing tongue. Ugh! Or, from the other perspective, how about those times when your hungry lips reach out to meet passive, soft mush that quickly swallows up all your turn-on, leaving only big-time letdown. What can you say at such moments? How do you avoid hurt or bruised feelings asking for what you want? You may find it encouraging knowing it's actually a lot easier to do than you might at first expect.
Experts familiar with such esoteric art forms as kissing, say the average person will spend two weeks of their lives kissing. Only two short weeks for one of the most intimate and satisfying acts available for expressing our passion and love? With such limited time for the pleasures of "libidinous lip-lock," none of us would seem to have a moment to waste for pursuing and catching up with all the dazzling fireworks possible through each and every "kissing mini-holiday."
By applying the knowledge and skills contained in this short kissing guide, towards helping you to create and experience greater intimacy, easier communication and whole body/mind/spirit connection and satisfaction, you can make every minute of kissing count. (And hopefully for you that will be lots more than two short week's worth). It's no exaggeration to say that one little kiss can say more than a thousand words ever could. And some have even surmised that kissing is the original universal communication.
The following Kissing Lessons contain most everything you'll need to know to become completely fluent in this unspoken language of love simply by studying and practicing what you learn. It's a guide for the Romantic in all of us, who knows the magic of kissing, yet hasn't exhaustedly explored, discovered and mastered its fullest potential. By practicing and mastering the art of kissing, we open still more doorways to even deeper connections and merging with our own and one another's heart, body and soul. Deep stuff from such fluffy fun!
Kissing is one of the most profound ways to connect with your partner. Congratulations for taking the time to further your knowledge and ability to better express your feelings in this wordless language of passion. As you read this guide, get ready to discover renewed interest and competence in your own kissing and lovemaking abilities. Demonstrating your affections through kissing is one of the most personal, intimate and romantic ways of showing your feelings. The giving and receiving of these Kissing Lessons is a novel, memorable and deeply rewarding way to break the ice, have fun, and learn more about yourself and each other-while bonding and increasing intimacy with your lover. No matter how well you may think you can kiss now, these kissing tips will help guide your lips, effortlessly, into previously uncharted pools of passion and pleasure. But don't just take my word for it-try it and see for yourselves.
Thank yourself for taking this time and making the effort to expand your current understanding towards creating a better love life for yourself. May the knowledge and skills you gain from within these pages, assist you in opening magical new portals of physical pleasure and emotional connection leading to greater closeness and fulfillment in your most intimate moments.
Kissing Lesson 1: Loosening Lips Tips
Or,
Getting to know your lips all over again
For starters, take a good look at your lips in the mirror. Purse and stretch your lips a few times to get them loose. Go ahead, let loose and laugh at the funny faces you'll see in your reflection. Seriously, now, notice any areas of your lips that appear thick, stiff or reluctant to purse or stretch. Practice pursing and stretching until your lips are evenly and easily contracting and expanding. See where your lips seem stiff and flex them a bit to help them loosen. These wonderful lips of yours are getting ready to create feelings divine, so be diligent in exercising and getting them ready. You can do raspberries (brrrrrrrrrrrrr!) to help loosen and elasticize your facial muscles and lips. The shower and car are two ideal places to practice without feeling self-conscious.
Begin by washing your hands thoroughly with soap and water. While still looking in the mirror, touch and gently feel along your lips with your fingers and fingernails. Can you feel each distinctive touch on every part of your lips? Practice moving your finger over every millimeter of your lips inside and out, progressively more slowly, focusing as much as possible on even the slightest movement and the following sensation you experience. The more you get to know and sensitize your lips, the more you will be able to feel and the better you will be able to kiss.
A good exercise is to imagine you are breathing in and out gently through a straw several times during the day. This will help to focus your energy from your belly and lungs up through your mouth and out (to the other person) and back again into your belly. This is very powerful to do with your partner, as well. It's called "sharing breath" in some disciplines. This exercise will also help you to manage your breath during those long, languid lingering kissing journeys.
One note about the importance of cleanliness: It cannot be overemphasized that all the sexiness in the world can turn off in an instant if yours or your partner's hygiene is offensive. Each culture defines this differently, still it's always good practice to keep your skin, and tongue and teeth clean, including shaving, trimmed nose hairs, clean nostrils and clean sinuses. In addition, pay special attention to any personal preferences either of you may have that help you feel comfortable. If you do not use underarm deodorant, or find certain natural body scents appealing, it's a good idea to communicate these preferences rather than assume it's mutual. Remember, clear and direct communication is extremely sexy!
I'll let you in on a little known secret: Slowing down your movements will also help you feel much more intensely in all things sexual and sensual. This is the major key to feeling more of your experiences in any situations, and for kissing; it's a great tip for creating the most excitement. Kissing is about "being" present and fully in the moment with your sweetie. Most of us get so busy running around "doing" stuff all day that we get desensitized to feeling much of the time. Desensitization tends towards more desensitization. And then sometimes we intentionally speed up in order to stop intense feelings of all sorts, you know the old adage, "Keep busy, it'll take your mind off things." It's much better to, instead, slow down so that you can actually feel your feelings while they're happening. Should you find yourself becoming overwhelmed, you can always take a little pause to gather yourself before continuing, whenever you feel the need.
Don't forget-Slow down, way down, if it's more feeling you're wanting. Your partner may or may not have the advantage of this first lesson, yet you have, so the time you've invested here with these lessons can benefit you both, as you explain, guide and demonstrate.
Kissing Lesson 2: Set and Setting
Or,
How to spring a kissing lesson on your unsuspecting partner without insulting or scaring them away
Probably the most challenging part of exploring kissing for most people will be finding the right time with their partner to bring up the subject of Kissing Lessons. It certainly does take a bit of courage the first time, yet it gets lots easier once you discover for yourself just how much fun it is. It's easier, too, after you've actually experienced the intimacy and excitement that is created for both of you through access and application of this new information and the subsequent newfound confidence that will surely follow.
Kissing Lessons are easiest to start during the early exploratory kissing times with that special someone. Or, if you already have an established kissing partner, these lessons can also be introduced with this guide, within the context of expanding and exploring new and enhanced ways to stimulate excitement, fun and pleasure for you both. To maximize your opportunity during these kissing sessions, please suspend most everything you already know about kissing, at least for the next few minutes as you begin to mutually explore kissing from this new perspective. Make this a new experience for the two of you, and expect new and different results even if you already know (or think you do anyway!) everything about kissing.
Assuming you'd like to apply your new kissing expertise and you do not have immediate access to this guide, please read the following tips and commit them to memory. After sharing those first few delicious kisses, just remember to say something such as "Ummm that felt really good. I have a little idea I'd like to try-how about you and me practice some Kissing Lessons? It's fun and easy, want to see? I'd love to show you, then kiss them again and say, "Isn't this great fun?" And should they be willing, you can next put the "Lip Tips" in Lesson 3 into action with an inviting "Now we're coming to my favorite part -practicing! Shall we?" Then smile warmly and encouragingly, and hopefully curiosity and excitement will take over from there. That's pretty much all there is to it. After all, this isn't brain surgery for goodness sake, so be sure to just relax and have fun with it. If you're feeling stressed about kissing practice, you're missing the point. Simply remind yourself to relax, take a deep breath, and then connect with your feelings as you let your lips do the telegraphing and translating of love's linguistics..
Kissing Lesson 3: Basic Movements
Or,
It ain't the meat, it's the motion
Imagine your lips connected by a "drawstring" that when loosely pulled makes your lips form an airtight seal, as in the earlier straw exercise. Now press your lips onto your partners' with their drawstring already set up, too. Breathe through your nose and begin to open the connection in your mouth. Let your lips relax and loosen slightly while still continuing to maintain the closed "seal" between you. Suction is the key, just enough to hold the seal, but not enough to stop the freedom of movement. Focus on not letting the seal break at first. Later, when maintaining the seal becomes comfortable and easy, focus on going as slowly as you can, feeling everything.
Explore different pressures, angles and degrees of "openness" in your mouths. An on a very personal level, keep your saliva to yourself unless you want to exchange intentionally; drooling is very unattractive and sloppy. It not only breaks the seal, it also changes the whole mood from yummy to yucky. It's much better to suction off your own saliva through discreet swallowing whenever necessary.
Take care not to get too eager to push things along. Kissing is an art that takes time, attention and focused desire to learn and master. The Ancient Chinese philosophized that life is not a river flowing to the sea, but is rather a sea that we cross. As such, they advised, living is not so much about "arriving at a destination" as it is about experiencing the "journey" itself. Kissing is not just a stop along the turn-on path to more intimate acts. Rather, kissing is an act in and unto itself, worthy of pursuit and savor in its own right, a rich erotic expression deserving full attention and enjoyment. Conscious kissing is an act of intimacy that can last hours and hours, giving limitless enjoyment that literally blurs the passage of time and space. All it requires is that you give it chance. Once you do, you, too, will be a believer. You'll see.
Kissing Lesson 4: Practice! Practice! Practice!
Or,
You've got to do more than just pay lip service to Lip Service
When the time and mood are right, you now can relax and simply let nature take its course. Without words, explore sharing, getting to know each other and communicating through your lips. Without tongues, at first. This tender touch is a language and conversation all to itself-- powerful, deep, and intimate. Kissing can and will produce very intense sensations, so take it easy and whenever you or your partner need a break, by all means take one. Consider a cool drink or shower to regroup should you work yourself up past your comfort zone.
Here's an important suggestion: Really pay attention while you're kissing, especially at first when you're exploring and getting acquainted with the techniques just described. This kissing method requires your fullest attention in order to feel the magic you want to feel. This point cannot be overemphasized: Don't drift aimlessly lost in a dream, stay conscious and aware. Think of your merging pair of lips caressing each other as a kind of tender tango, where two move seamlessly as one. Stay present, respond and encourage your lover's ardor by expressing your own ecstatic passion through your lips.
Watch and follow your partner's energy, focus on the delicious moment you are sharing together. Again, this is absolutely not the time or place to fantasize away or drift away into your own experience. Should you sense your connection fading, say something right away, suggest that the two of you refocus and begin again. You can say something like, "Whoa-I guess we got carried away there for a minute, let's refocus and start again, ok?" Whenever one of you drifts the mood changes and fades. It's easy for the other person to misinterpret this "disconnect" as loss of interest or desire even though unintended. In addition, losing focus breaks "the magical spell" surrounding you both in the moment, slowing down intimacy's pulse to the point where it delays, or possibly ends, whatever tender feelings you may have been sharing up to that moment
Our individual sensual life is very important to most every adult. While it makes up only a small part of our normal day-to-day living, it nonetheless supports and nourishes us in ways that influences and benefits our whole perspective on life. The better we feel about our body and ourselves, the better we feel about our life and our right to take pleasure through connecting physically and emotionally with others. Few of us have unlimited time to dedicate to our love life. Fortunately, we can learn to explore our intimate connections in a variety of rewarding ways, so that each minute is as rich and full of both promise and fulfillment as possible. The best part of all is that kissing can be the bridge that takes you to greater and deeper intimacy--if you'll let it.
The K.I.S.S. MODEL ala Dr. Michael
Or,
Keeping It Sexy and Spontaneous
For dedicated students of the art of kissing, the lips are only the beginning of sensual suction--play on the body. The options are limited only by your imagination and permission from yourself and your partner to indulge. You can play around the mouth, kissing only the top or the bottom lip, or kiss around the edges of the lips, the jaw, the neck, behind the ears and expanding out in a shared or one-way kissing expedition to every body extremity and back again! Just keep this modified K.I.S.S. version of mine in mind to guide you: Keep It Sexy and Spontaneous.
Kissing will help make your whole body more sensitive and excited. As you spend more time kissing, your body will "warm up" all over as you flush with excitation. Every cell receives more blood, further sensitizing your body and arousing your psyche. Some have even reported so much excitation that spontaneous orgasm naturally occurred with little or only minor stimulation, not necessarily involving touch to the erotic zones. With a kiss, juices begin to flow, thoughts and desires permeate the atmosphere and pleasure begins to ooze from practically every pore. Gentle, powerful kisses keep pouring forth when partners let things naturally flow without being preoccupied with goals, but rather simply surrendering to the pleasures of the moment and the dripping succulence from feasting upon one another.
As your body heats up to new levels of desire, communication becomes even more important. A previously ecstatic touch, pinch or stroke can sometimes turn irritating when the body approaches sensory overload swelling with sexual fullness. With my clients, I refer to this touch as "tumescence," from the Latin word tumere, to swell. Managing increased amounts of tumescence in your body is a skill that takes practice (Lesson 4) and can bring your excitation to ever higher heights, no matter where you're starting point.
Since so very few of us are skillful mind readers, it's a good idea to speak up and gently tell your partner whenever you find any sexual or sensual act unpleasant or undesired. After all, each of us is uniquely wired, it's our own individual responsibility to take care of ourselves by honestly communicating with our partner about our likes, dislikes, boundaries and requests, so that our partner knows and may then respond accordingly. Discovering new or increased sensitivities in previously unchartered areas can be a bit daunting as excitation mounts. More kissing produces more tumescence, more intimacy and more desire. Therefore, understanding the energy dynamics of sexual excitation is very helpful allowing you to stay open, not become overwhelmed, shut down or racing to orgasm, simply because you can't keep the high level of intensity going any longer.
Most people would do well to regularly exercise and expand their "pleasure tolerance" levels to ever-greater capacity. This is historically true for both men and women, though generally men seem prone to move much faster sexually than women, who tend to take a bit more time to "get in the mood." So guys, remind yourself to slow things down and you'll both enjoy everything all the more. When it comes to lovemaking, just as in savoring the many satisfying aspects of a delicious meal, it's best not to hurry or gulp our way through it.
Intimacy, or as I like to say, INTO-ME-YOU-SEE, comes from the Latin word intimare, to show yourself. Hence, deeper intimacy requires willingness on your part for deeper revelations of yourself, both for your own and your partner's gain. Many people mistakenly believe intimacy to be about finding out more about their partner, but truly it's the other way around. And as it turns out, the more we reveal about ourselves to each other, not only do we learn more about one another, we learn more about ourselves.
Kissing for Health & Happiness
Or,
A kiss every day keeps the doctor away
Should you for any reason find yourself needing yet further encouragement to pucker up, you'll be happy to know that just recently neuroscientists studying kissing chemistry investigated what happens when hearts throb and lips lock. They discovered that kissing unleashes chemicals in the brain that ease stress hormones in both sexes. These chemicals also encourage bonding for men, though surprisingly, not as much in women. And on a decidedly unsexy note, it appears that chemicals in our saliva may be a way of assessing a mate for biological compatibility for procreation! Turns out an old-fashioned kiss is a "blast" of shared information, in which each partner is using one of the body's most sensitive data receptors to pick up messages about taste, smell, touch, and temperature. Furthermore, the research demonstrated that couples who kiss for 15 minutes or more experienced significant increase in their levels of the chemicals oxytocin, which positively affects pair bonding, in addition to a significant decrease in their levels of cortisol, which is associated with stress levels declining. You could call it better loving through chemistry!
There's no denying it. Of all the affectionate forms of touch and connection--from handholding to lovemaking and everything in between--kissing is one of the easiest and most enjoyable of all ways to romantically relate, and perfect for anyone's health and happiness regimen. So, now that you know what it takes--you'd better start kissing!
By now you know it's no exaggeration to say that better kissing makes a better love life, no matter how far you plan to take your "joined at the lips" hayride. It's also about the safest sex you can engage in these days. And as helpful as I hope these "lip-tips" are for you, never doubt that expressing healthy passion requires much more than simply practicing techniques, it's really about connecting with your own thoughts, feelings, body and spirit as well as those of your lover. There's nothing to it, really--to let your love shine simply express yourself as love by being loving. I encourage you to shower those you love with kindness and lots of hugs and even more kisses to enhance your journey.
And when it feels really right with someone, by all means take the plunge that opens your heart to love, revealing the potent magnetism derived from mutual trust and safety that has each of you connecting ever deeper with your own authentic self and one another. By so doing you'll be creating emotional intimacy that's one-of-a-kind unparalleled. It turns out, the safer and more emotionally connected you feel with your partner, the more fun and further out together you can comfortably go-both in and out of the bedroom. And it all begins with a kiss.
So c'mon, what are you waiting for? Pucker up and get ready to plant a whole bushel-full of tender sprouts of affection, by indulging in consciously aware, long and languid, "lip-love" with that special sexy someone with whom you're hoping to further your mind-heart-body-spirit connection!
Sealed with a kiss,
Dr. Michael
Aloha and A Hui Hou!
