Sexual Rights are Human Rights
Dr. Bouchard’s
“Consensual Sex Code of Conduct” Cheatsheet
&
“Sexual Bill of Rights”
&
“What Everyone Needs to Understand About Sexual Refusal & Sexual Assault”
By Michael Ra Bouchard, M.A., Ph.D.
Double Board-Certified Clinical Sexologist
This article is 100% AI Free, written solely by the author in its entirety
Dear Friends & Colleagues the World Over,
As an accredited Doctor of Human Sexuality and old-school, no nonsense clinical sexologist in private practice as a sex therapist and relationship counselor for well over 30 years (tempus fugit!) my goal has always been to have a lasting beneficial influence upon my clients.
Primarily, by providing them with nonjudgmental positive regard while presenting accurate information, effective relating skills guidance, and supportive encouragement leading to healthy, informed and empowering choices and behaviors.
Especially those resulting in long-term feelings of fulfillment and well-being—in and out of the bedroom.
With that in mind, this current paper contains my periodically updated "Sexual Bill of Rights"—along with a recently expanded version of Dr. Bouchard's "Consensual Sex Code of Conduct" Cheatsheet—with the goal of encouraging everyone to exclusively engage in intentional, honorable and mutually fulfilling sexual relations with one another.
The following “Sexual Bill of Rights,” contains the original "10 Basic Sexual Rights" as stated in 1976 by the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, California (from which Dr. Bouchard received his Ph.D. in Human Sexuality in 1994).
It includes an additional three Basic Sexual Rights as compiled by Dr. Bouchard—namely, Basic Sexual Rights #'s 11, 12 & 13, which over the course of several decades Dr. Bouchard came to recognize as requisite amendments—hereby comprising his amended "Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights" now presented below for your thoughtful consideration.
Within this context, let us commence by reviewing Dr. Bouchard's "Consensual Sex Code of Conduct" Cheatsheet. Beginning by defining and differentiating moral consensual sex from immoral non-consensual sex; the former composing the essence of free will choice upon which wholesome and mutually empowering sexual expression takes root and thrives.
Dr. Bouchard's
"Consensual Sex Code of Conduct" Cheatsheet
Please Be Advised
Regarding CONSENSUAL sexual behavior, (i.e., activities having been actively agreed to by all parties involved) Dr. Bouchard does NOT moralize, criticize or judge.
Consent is Mandatory, NOT Optional
Regarding ACTS OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT, Dr. Bouchard's steadfast position on the unassailable Right of Sexual Consent is unambiguous and unyielding, presented as follows within his "Consensual Sex Code of Conduct":
Criminal Sexual Misconduct
Any and all forms of SEXUAL MISCONDUCT—including abuse, assault, constraint, coercion, exploitation, fraud, harassment, human trafficking, intimidation, rape, satanic ritual abuse (SRA) and violence, along with any and all NON-CONSENSUAL [involuntary] behaviors or attempted behaviors of a sexual nature perpetrated by anyone against the will of another person, child or adult—are without exception categorically abhorrent, utterly unacceptable and unequivocally incompatible with the values of sexual self-determination, personal sovereignty, and individual free will expression.
Love One Another Kindly—and Lawfully
So everyone is clear:
Informed sexual consent leading to physical intimacy between adults must be affirmative, conscious, and voluntarily given by both parties before engaging in mutually approved sexual activity. Ideally, sexual consent is attained through a safe, open, and ongoing discussion leading to greater understanding of and respect for each other's boundaries.
Consent is not a onetime event and can be withdrawn at any time—even during the act.
It is essential to understand that consent can be withdrawn (reversed) by either party at any time. When sexual consent is withdrawn it must be respected immediately by completely halting the activity in every respect. Continuing to engage in the sexual behavior(s) once a person changes their mind and withdraws sexual consent is considered NON-CONSENSUAL and a violation of their free will sovereignty.
It is also vital to understand that granting consent to one sexual activity does not imply granting consent to other sexual activities. Sexual boundaries must therefore be clearly communicated and strictly respected in an ongoing dialogue as necessary to ensure consent is mutually given—ideally, enthusiastically.
When in doubt, check it out
Posing short and straightforward questions to elicit sexual consent, such as "Do you want to make out?" or "Are you okay with me doing this?" or "How far do you feel comfortable going tonight?" are effective and about as unobtrusive as you can get without totally ruining the moment. Be sure to make eye-contact and pay attention to their body language when you ask. Should they seem hesitant, or otherwise say "no," do not proceed.
Sexual consent must be reciprocal
Any and all sexual acts that occur without mutual agreement—or on account of pressure or coercion to influence or compel someone to act against their own volition or better judgment by doing something they would not otherwise do (for example, engaging in unsafe sex) by means of force, threat, intimidation (actual or implied) or any other unethical means—are considered NON-CONSENSUAL.
In like manner, sexual consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, mentally disabled, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, asleep or unconscious.
In the final analysis:
No one has a right to put their hands on you without your permission.
Consent requires more than just the absence of a "no"; it necessitates an active, affirmative "yes" through clear words or actions.
WITHOUT FREELY GIVEN CONSENSUAL AGREEMENT any and all forms of unwanted and forced upon sexual contact against the will of another person are actionably unlawful, morally loathsome and criminally felonious.
When Consent is Uncertain, Hold Off—Until You Ask and Find Out
Sexual consent must be actively sought and freely given,
and cannot be assumed from silence, passivity, or lack of resistance.
In plain-speak:
NON-CONSENT means STOP!!
The moral and legal crux of NON-CONSENTING sex isn't difficult to grasp—
Sex without consent is always rape.
Copyright © 1994 Michael Ra Bouchard, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved
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Sexual Bill of Rights
Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights
1. The freedom of any sexual thought, fantasy or desire.
2. The right to sexual entertainment, freely available in the market place, including sexually explicit materials dealing with the full range of sexual behavior.
3. The right not to be exposed to sexual material or behavior.
4. The right to sexual self-determination.
5. The right to seek out and engage in consensual sexual activity.
6. The right to engage in sexual acts or activities of any kind whatsoever, providing they do not involve non-consensual acts, violence, constraint, coercion, fraud, or children under the age of 18.
7. The right to be free of persecution, condemnation, discrimination, or societal intervention in private sexual behavior.
8. The recognition by society that every person, partnered or un-partnered, has the right to the pursuit of a satisfying consensual socio-sexual life free from political, legal or religious interference and that there need to be mechanisms in society where the opportunities of socio-sexual activities are available to the following: disabled persons; chronically ill persons; those incarcerated in prisons, hospitals or institutions; those disadvantaged because of age, lack of physical attractiveness, or lack of social skills; the poor and the lonely.
9. The basic right of all persons who are sexually dysfunctional to have available nonjudgmental sexual health care.
10. The right to control conception.
11. The right to the pursuit of sexual pleasure.
12. The basic right to seek a comprehensive sexuality education, including access to accurate and informed sexual information.
13. The right to grant, withhold or withdraw sexual consent at any time.
Sexual Rights are Universal Human Rights
* * *
I hope you have found this brief essay beneficial and empowering.
I encourage everyone to uphold the spirit of the "Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights" in all the wonderful ways you consensually express your sexuality, as well as to refrain from moralizing, criticizing or judging yourself or others for so doing.
And that you—above all—while giving a nod to the Bard and his timeless counsel:
To thine own self-determined sexual self stay true.
Simply put: Living in accordance with one's true nature, whether sexually or nonsexually, is essential. It begins with living authentically and with self-awareness, along with acting in accordance with one's values—in and out of the bedroom.
What's more, it is vital to remember that sexual abuse, violence, and all other sexually non-consensual actions are always in direct opposition to the values of sexual self-determination, and are therefore unacceptable under any and every circumstance.
Finally, please know that this concise "Consensual Sex Code of Conduct" Cheatsheet, while quite detailed, is not intended to be exhaustive.
For anybody—and especially those whom are sexually active—interested in learning more about the often ambiguous process of giving and receiving clear and freely communicated sexual consent and refusal, I recommend reading another of my Linked In articles, entitled, "What Everyone Needs to Understand about Sexual Refusal & Sexual Assault" (posted immediately following this article). I wrote it back in 2020 specifically to help everyone hone this essential communication skill set.
The Takeaway
The main objective of this essay has been to advocate for loving one another kindly in your pursuit of emotionally enriching sexual happiness.
Ideally—
Through the practice of sexual self-nurturance, including by granting yourself permission to claim and celebrate your healthy sexual self—while concurrently developing your precious emotional capacity to love and be loved in return—in ever-expanding magnitude!
More power to you in co-creating honorable sexual relations with others,
Dr. Michael Ra Bouchard
Double Board-Certified Clinical Sexologist
Copyright © 2025 Michael Ra Bouchard, Ph.D. www.LoveKindly.com All Rights Reserved
No one has a right to put their hands on you without your permission.
What Everyone Needs to Understand About
Sexual Refusal and Sexual Assault
by Michael Ra Bouchard, M.A., Ph.D.
February 29, 2020
(5-6 minute short read)
Author's Note: In view of all the current media attention on sexual assault, I wrote the following article to throw some light on the matter in hopes of expanding everyone's awareness of this troublesome problem.
Research studies over the last decade have determined that approximately one in three women and one in six men will experience some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime. Given these unacceptably high rates, it is essential that each and every one of us develop a sexual refusal communication skill set so as to reduce the occurrence of sexual assault incidents.
Sexual refusal communication requires us to recognize and respect how people communicate sexual non-consent—specifically the verbal and non-verbal behavioral cues people use to say “no” when declining sexual activity—towards best ensuring understanding and cooperation when sexual activity is unwanted and non-consensual.
What is vital for everyone to understand is that unless sexual consent is freely given any unwanted and forced upon sexual contact against a person’s will is a sexual assault.
As an enlightened and civilized society it is the collective concern, moral duty, and social responsibility for each of us to learn, recognize and respect times when someone we have sexual interest in does not want or give us their consent to engage in sexual activity. To avoid any misunderstanding, especially in light of today’s hook-up culture and online dating culture, it's essential that we pay close attention to our partner’s cues—whether subtle or overt, verbal or non-verbal, implicit or explicit—and respond accordingly by stopping our pursuit when it is unwanted.
We must make it our policy to receive any and all sexual refusals as sincere and legitimate and therefore needing to be taken seriously and with full compliance by stopping our unwanted behavior right away. The necessity of so doing is underscored by the fact that numerous studies have shown most teens and many adults still primarily communicate sexual consent non-verbally by a myriad of means, thus increasing the likelihood of unintentional sexual miscommunication. Accordingly, each of us needs to become skilled in identifying and respecting the many types of sexual refusal cues, and upon recognition of their delivery, immediately cease our pursuit without additional persistence or sexual coercion of any kind.
If we are to lessen occurrences of sexual assault and violence—whether unintentional or not—it requires that everyone have access to a basic sex education and corresponding moral training. Each of us must learn to morally respect the inalienable right of sexual self-determination by striving to honor the free will choices of others. Additionally, sexual assault prevention training must teach and empower everyone to stand up to and level vigorous protest against others whenever required in order to protect our personal boundaries and sexual rights from being violated by anyone.
In like manner, each of us must also be taught and empowered to stand down to any and all protests when leveled against us—no matter how falteringly or feebly delivered those protests may be—in order to protect the personal boundaries and sexual rights of others when it is we ourselves doing the violating.
Specifically saying “no” as a mechanism of explicit sexual refusal assumes that “no” sufficiently conveys that sexual activity is unwanted and non-consensual. Simply put: Sexual refusal communication is a process in which one party either initiates or increases the level of sexual activity, whereupon the other person rejects it, and the first party complies with that rejection by ceasing the offending behavior.
Circumstances in which a person does not comply with a rejection and continues to pursue sex post-refusal qualify as attempted or completed sexual assault. No exceptions.
Consequently—
When in doubt, check it out!
Respect for an individual’s sexual self-sovereignty insists that we never ignore or selfishly pretend not to notice when our partner pulls back, freezes, or otherwise verbally or non-verbally cues their disinterest or unwillingness to engage sexually with us. Better still, before getting too carried away, it is generally the best policy for both parties to be explicit in sexual consent communication. Ideally, the “gold standard” consent cue you each want to give and receive is an explicit verbal “yes” giving the green light to proceed.
Therefore, when unsure about your partner's receptivity, boldly speak out and ask for affirmative sexual consent, especially when the two of you are sexually inexperienced together. Correspondingly, when you are on the receiving end of uninvited or otherwise unwanted sexual contact, speak out and firmly demand that it be stopped immediately.
It is important to understand that consent can be communicated both verbally (by saying yes) and non-verbally so long as it is being given voluntarily and when conscious. Actually talking about sex before things get too hot and heavy—if only to say what you want or don’t want to happen—can usually help to assess if you and the other party are both on the same wavelength, and when not, go a long way in preventing unintended sexual missteps from occurring.
Once again, when in doubt—ask!
Historically in the past, “No Means No” sexual assault prevention campaigns have emphasized refusal communication. However, more recent “Yes Means Yes” sexual assault prevention education emphasizes affirmative consent via increased explicit communication. Therefore, acquiring proficiency in both refusal communication and affirmative consent appears to be the best approach for creating a sex-affirming setting where people feel comfortable in plainly communicating either their interest or disinterest for engaging together in sexual activity.
An added bonus of opening a dialogue to discuss and negotiate personal sexual limits, interests, and desires with a potential sexual partner is that it can actually be a very sexy process leading to increased closeness, enjoyment, satisfaction and more with one another. Likewise, clear and direct sexual communication is the surest way for creating an intimate and sex-positive mood that is based upon mutual respect and sexual self-determination. Such an “above board” approach is best for helping both parties feel comfortable in plainly stating and honestly communicating their sexual wants, limits, likes, dislikes, etc. with one another.
Something to keep in mind when you find sex too embarrassing to discuss with a potential partner is that you are probably not really emotionally ready to have sex with them anyway. When that is the case, you are far better off finding alternative, less sexually involved yet nonetheless still affectionate, fun, and rewarding activities to share together instead until such time that you each feel ready to have that conversation.
In summary, should anyone ever presume, pressure, coerce, or otherwise try to force you to engage in sexual contact that you don’t want, or is against your better judgment, or is otherwise without you having first granted permission, demand that they stop immediately!
If their pestering persists, take whatever evasive actions are necessary to extricate yourself and escape the situation. With someone so controlling you must exercise additional caution when the two of you are in, or are considering pursuing, a romantic relationship together—for if nothing else—love is always respectful!
Should this person profess to care for you while repeatedly disrespecting your personal boundaries you are better off without them. The fact is when you can’t reason with someone they leave you no healthy alternative but to separate yourself from a fraught situation by moving on alone without looking back. You will exercise emotional intelligence and set yourself up for the win by seeking a relationship with someone else more highly evolved and less controlling that actually respects rather than violates your wishes and personal boundaries.
When it comes to taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical health and well-being, the importance of firmly speaking up and advocating for yourself when you are on the receiving end of any unwanted sexual contact cannot be overemphasized. People who love someone show it by respecting their requests and feelings. Someone who truly cares about you will never apply pressure or force you to do anything against your will or that otherwise could land you in serious trouble, including risking your health and pregnancy by having unsafe and unprotected sex.
And while the following judgment may sound harsh it is simply the unvarnished truth about anyone in possession of an unrepentant molesting mindset: Anybody who continues to violate your sexual limits by refusing your repeated demands to stop is behaving in an abusive and controlling manner that is categorically inexcusable.
Developing the faculty to identify individuals expressing sexual interest in us is paramount to avoid making the mistake of misperceiving friendliness cues for sexual intent from someone where there is none, leading to mutual embarrassment for both parties. This skill set is also imperative for preventing any unpleasant repercussions that could follow from making unwanted sexual advances that might be interpreted as sexual harassment or sexual coercion, or worse yet, could lead to unintentional rape.
In the final analysis:
Sex without consent is always rape.
Rape is an ugly word for an even uglier act. If you don’t give consent and sex is forced on you, or you force sex upon someone without his or her consent, it’s rape. And that includes having sex with someone who has passed out.
Thus for everyone's well-being, each of us must learn to subjectively assess a potential sex partner’s intent by focusing on cues and behaviors that convey possible interest and/or disinterest when pursuing any kind of sexual activity together, and put a stop to it instantly when it is unwanted.
Should anyone ever violate your sexual boundaries, immediately speak out strongly and without hesitation by ordering them to "Knock it off, NOW!!"
No one has a right to put their hands on you without your permission.
It is a matter of practicing self-respect—not to mention self-preservation—to speak out without hesitation whenever someone trespasses your sexual boundaries. You practice self-respect by staying true to your values, sexual and otherwise. For each of us, the development and safeguarding of self-respect for one’s self, character, dignity, integrity, and conduct is an essential lifelong process requiring vigorous ongoing effort. Not only will you personally benefit from this practice, but so will others, as we can only give to others that which we first can give to ourselves.
Think of self-love as benefiting everybody.
At the end of the day, when it comes to personal development and continuing evolution of the indispensable qualities involved in the expression of love and caring through mutually desired sexual activity, it all begins with the vigorous development, exercise and protection of self-respect. You could rightly think of practicing self-respect as the ultimate expression of self-love; the greater our capacity to unconditionally love ourselves, the greater our capacity to unconditionally love others.
Who knew?
When you come right down to it, it's really very simple:
Respect for others through self-respect.
We can all, each and every one of us, do it, and—for your own personal betterment and the greater good of all humankind—I hope you do!
Yours in compassionate respect for all through compassionate self-respect,
Dr. Michael Ra Bouchard
Hilo, Hawaii
Copyright © 2020 by Michael Ra Bouchard, Ph.D. & Aloha Sexual Health & Happiness, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
Aloha and A Hui Hou!
