Sexual Rights are Human Rights

 

Dr. Bouchard’s

“Consensual Sex Code of Conduct” Cheatsheet

&

“Sexual Bill of Rights”

&

“What Everyone Needs to Understand About Sexual Refusal & Sexual Assault”
 

By Michael Ra Bouchard, M.A., Ph.D.
Double Board-Certified Clinical Sexologist

 

Originally published in 1994; recently updated edtion (below) published in 2024

 

This article is 100% AI Free, written solely by the author in its entirety

 

Dear Friends & Colleagues the World Over,

As an accredited Doctor of Human Sexuality and old-school, no-nonsense, clinical sexologist in private practice as a sex therapist, sexual health educator, and sex offender treatment specialist for well over 30 years (tempus fugit!), my goal has been to have a lasting beneficial influence upon my clients.

Primarily, by providing them with nonjudgmental positive regard while presenting accurate information, effective relating skills guidance, and supportive encouragement leading to healthy, informed and empowering choices and behaviors.

Especially those resulting in long-term feelings of fulfillment and well-being—in and out of the bedroom.

With that in mind, this current paper contains my periodically updated "Sexual Bill of Rights"—along with a recently expanded version of Dr. Bouchard's "Consensual Sex Code of Conduct" Cheatsheet—with the goal of encouraging everyone to exclusively engage in intentional, honorable and mutually fulfilling sexual relations with one another.

The following “Sexual Bill of Rights,” contains the original "10 Basic Sexual Rights" as stated in 1976 by the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, California (from which Dr. Bouchard received his Ph.D. in Human Sexuality in 1994).

It includes an additional three Basic Sexual Rights as compiled by Dr. Bouchard—namely, Basic Sexual Rights #'s 11, 12 & 13, which over the course of several decades Dr. Bouchard came to recognize as requisite amendments—hereby comprising his amended "Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights" now presented below for your thoughtful consideration.

Within this context, let us commence by reviewing Dr. Bouchard's "Consensual Sex Code of Conduct" Cheatsheet. Beginning by defining and differentiating moral consensual sex from immoral non-consensual sex; the former composing the essence of free will choice upon which wholesome and mutually empowering sexual expression takes root and thrives.

 

 

Dr. Bouchard's

"Consensual Sex Code of Conduct"
Cheatsheet

 

(12-15 minute short-read)
 

 

Disclaimer:

The author is providing guidance in a counseling and health educator capacity, not as a legal professional. 

The information contained in these guidelines is intended solely for educational and informational purposes
as general guidance for social and sexual conduct.

It does not constitute, and should not be substituted for, professional legal counsel or formal psychological therapy. 

The reader assumes all responsibility for how they apply the insights and information contained herein.

 

 

Please Be Advised
 

As a clinical sexologist, sexual health educator, and sex offender treatment specialist for over three decades,

Dr. Bouchard does NOT judge, criticize, or moralize about CONSENSUAL sexual behavior—

meaning activities actively agreed to by all parties.

 

Criminal Sexual Misconduct, Sexual Assault & Sexual Abuse

Any and all forms of SEXUAL MISCONDUCT—including but not limited to: abuse; assault; bestiality; constraint; coercion; exploitation; fraud; harassment; human trafficking; incest; intimidation; pedophilia; rape; satanic ritual abuse (SRA); sextortion; and violence; along with any and all NON-CONSENSUAL [involuntary] behaviors or attempted, behaviors of a sexual nature—whether perpetrated upon a child or an adult, are all criminal acts and categorically abhorrent.

This prohibition extends to all sexual misconduct, sexual assault, and sexual abuse—umbrella terms that encompass various non-consensual infractions and criminal sexual offenses.

These acts include, but are not limited to, the following non-consensual conduct: any form of sexual penetration; the use of date rape drugs to bypass consent; condom stealthing (removal of condom after agreement to use one); spousal or partner rape; unwanted touching, groping or fondling an individual's private body parts (breasts, buttocks, groin) over or under clothing; forced kissing or physical coercion; voyeurism/secret peeping; exhibitionism; indecent exposure; text-based solicitation; public masturbation; stalking or unauthorized tracking; and sexual assault perpetrated against older adults or individuals with physical or cognitive disabilities.

All non-consensual behavior is strictly prohibited for everyone, without exception.

 

Case in Point:

Digital misconduct is a mushrooming reality, becoming especially critical when examining how modern statutes handle digital harassment. A prime example is the intersection of cyberflashing and electronic obscenity laws—an area everyone needs to understand.

Many U.S. state codes make it illegal to willfully send "obscene, lewd, or lascivious proposals or messages" via phone, email, text, or internet.

Because ignorance of the law constitutes no defense, it is a good idea to check your local and state regulations to stay compliant and protect yourself from unintended liabilities and consequences.

 

What Everyone Needs to Understand about Cyberflashing and Electronic Obscenity Laws

Cyberflashing is the modern-day digital equivalent to public indecency. It occurs when someone sends or shows explicit, genital, or pornographic images and videos to another person without their consent—via text, email, social media, dating apps, or proximity-sharing features like AirDrop.

This behavior goes far beyond rudeness; it is widely condemned as a digital form of sexual harassment, indecent exposure, and sexual violence that violates both social norms and the law. This prohibition extends without exception to any and all non-consensual behaviors.

Violations of electronic and cyber obscenity and digital media laws include, but are not limited to: cyberstalking and digital harassment; distribution of private, non-consensual intimate imagery; unauthorized access to private digital media; and the unauthorized filming, photographing, posting, sharing, or streaming of a sexual act without permission, including revenge porn. These violations are known as image-based sexual abuse (IBSA). Law enforcement also prohibits the sending of unsolicited, sexually explicit photos. 

Secretly recording sexual encounters with a hidden camera or electronic recording device without consent, also known as unauthorized "sneak" recording, is not only a crime, but also unequivocally incompatible with the values of sexual self-determination, personal sovereignty, and individual free will. 

Depending on your jurisdiction, these covert, illicit acts may be prosecuted as a crime, a public-decency violation, or a harassment offense under specific cyberflashing or unlawful electronic transmission laws.

A word to the wise: Do not engage in any of these prohibited behaviors and you will spare yourself a world of trouble.

 

Love One Another Kindly—and Lawfully

Just a reminder to ensure everyone is on the same page:
 

"Ignorance of the law excuses not."
 

Informed sexual consent leading to physical intimacy between adults must be affirmative, conscious, and voluntarily given by both parties before engaging in mutually approved sexual activity. Ideally, sexual consent is attained through a safe, open, and ongoing discussion leading to greater understanding of and respect for each other's boundaries.

Any and all sexual acts that occur without mutual agreement—or on account of pressure or coercion to influence or compel someone to act against their own volition or better judgment by doing something they would not otherwise do by means of force, threat, intimidation (actual or implied) or any other unethical means—are considered NON-CONSENSUAL.

It is vital that everyone understands that consent is not a one-time event and can be withdrawn (reversed) by either party at any time—even during the act—though NOT retroactively.

 

Be Advised: 

Consent CANNOT Be Taken Back After the Fact
 

You cannot legally or definitionally "retroactively withdraw consent" for sexual activity
that has completely concluded.

Simply put, while consent must be ongoing throughout the entire experience,
it cannot be taken back after the fact.

So everyone is clear, you can withdraw consent at any point during sex,
but legal consent cannot be retroactively revoked after the encounter has completely concluded.

 

Regret and Rape are Entirely Separate Matters and Must Never be Confused

Regret is an emotional afterthought wishing you made a different choice;

Rape is a traumatic violation where no choice was allowed.

 

Psychological and Emotional Readiness to Have Sex is Essential: Psychological and emotional readiness to have sex is not a given; the fact that you want to have sex with someone does not mean you are ready or that it is even a good idea.

It is entirely normal to experience feelings of shame, guilt, or regret after giving sexual consent; these complex emotional reactions often surface once you have had time to reflect on the experience.

Keep in mind that just because a choice was consensual does not mean you won't sometimes feel bad about it afterward. Be kind to yourself in these moments. Realizing a choice didn't serve you after the fact is simply part of navigating relationships, setting personal boundaries, and growing. In the end, we live and we learn.

Regret is a sense of self-judgment and "the quiet agony" of wishing we had acted differently. A choice we come to later regret is an emotional counter-reaction to a choice we once willingly made.

Rape, in contrast, is a crime committed when consent is denied; it is an act of violence inflicted by another.

 

The Fundamental Difference Between Regret and Rape is Consent

Simply put: If at any time during a sexual encounter you feel uncomfortable or change your mind—for any reason at all—you retain the right to tell your partner to stop. Consent is an ongoing choice, and you always maintain complete autonomy of your body.

When sexual consent is withdrawn it must be respected immediately by completely halting the activity in every respect. Continuing to engage in the sexual behavior(s) once a person changes their mind and withdraws sexual consent is considered NON-CONSENSUAL and a violation of their free will sovereignty.

It is also vital to understand that granting consent to one sexual activity does not imply granting consent to other sexual activities. Sexual boundaries must therefore be clearly communicated and strictly respected in an ongoing dialogue as necessary to ensure consent is mutually given and received—ideally, enthusiastically so by both parties.

 

Sexual Respect for All Through Sexual Self-Respect

Sexual respect for others starts with sexual self-respect. It requires that you strive to always act from personal integrity by honoring and respecting your own guiding principles, moral compass, and sexual boundaries, as well as those of others. Think of it as taking care of yourself. 

Acknowledging that our body, desires, boundaries and pleasure matter shapes how we view, value, honor, and respect ourselves as sexual beings, just as it guides our sexual respect for others. Honor requires us to uphold and respect our own sexual code of conduct, as well as that of others, especially under pressure. 

 

Empower Yourself:
When in Doubt, Check it Out

Posing short and straightforward questions to elicit sexual consent, such as "Do you want to make out?" or "Are you okay with me doing this?" or "How far do you feel comfortable going tonight?" are effective and about as unobtrusive as you can get without totally ruining the moment. Be sure to make eye-contact and pay attention to their body language when you ask. Should they seem hesitant, or otherwise say "no," DO NOT PROCEED.

 

Sexual Consent Must be Reciprocal

Any and all sexual acts that occur without mutual agreement—or on account of pressure or coercion to influence or compel someone to act against their own volition or better judgment by doing something they would not otherwise do (for example, engaging in unsafe sex) by means of force, threat, intimidation (actual or implied) or any other unethical means—are considered NON-CONSENSUAL.

Moreover, sexual consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, mentally disabled, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, asleep or unconscious.

 

Consent Requires Agency

In essence, "agency" means that a person cannot truly give meaningful consent unless they have the power, freedom, and capacity to make their own choice free from pressure, manipulation, coercion, misinformation or violence. Agency refers to a person's ability to act independently and make autonomous decisions that respect, rather than ignore, their own boundaries.

Agency is not just the ability to say "yes"; it is the absolute freedom to say "no" without facing retaliation, punishment, or negative consequences.

If someone is forced, underage, unconscious, incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or lacks necessary information—such as the intentional hiding of a sexually transmitted disease—they lack agency. This means any "consent" they give is legally and ethically invalid; sex without consent is always rape.

Rape is an ugly word for an even uglier act. If you don’t give consent and sex is forced on you, or if you force sex upon someone without their consent, it is rape—and just to be clear, that includes having sex with someone who has passed out.

 

Simply put—

No one has the right to put their hands on you without your permission.

 

Likewise—

You do not have the right to put your hands on anyone without their permission.

 

Sexual consent requires more than just the absence of a "no";

Legal sexual consent demands an active, affirmative "yes" through clear words or actions.

 

WITHOUT FREELY GIVEN CONSENSUAL AGREEMENT, any and all forms of unwanted and forced upon sexual contact against the will of another person are actionably unlawful, morally loathsome and criminally felonious.

 

When Consent is Uncertain, Hold Off—

Until You Ask and Find Out

 

Sexual consent MUST be actively sought and freely given, and

CANNOT be assumed from silence, passivity, or lack of resistance.

 

In plain-speak:

When in Doubt, Check it Out—
NON-CONSENT means STOP!!

 

The moral and legal crux of NON-CONSENTING SEX isn't difficult to grasp—
 

Sex without consent is always rape.

 

Copyright © 1994/2024 Michael Ra Bouchard, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved

 

 

*   *   *

 

 

Having received numerous requests for a summary of "Dr. Bouchard’s Consensual Sex Code of Conduct,"

the following "Cliff Notes" study guide is now provided below:

 

 

“Dr. Bouchard's Consensual Sex Code of Conduct”

Study Guide

 

Key Takeaways for Your Advisement

Core Principles

Non-Judgmental on Consent: As a clinical sexologist, sexual health educator, and sex offender treatment specialist for over three decades, Dr. Bouchard does NOT judge, criticize, or moralize about CONSENSUAL sexual behavior—meaning activities actively agreed to by all parties.

Zero Tolerance for Misconduct: Any form of sexual misconduct—including assault, coercion, exploitation, and harassment—is categorically abhorrent, unlawful, and a violation of personal sovereignty.

The Golden Rule: No one has the right to touch you without your permission, and you do not have the right to touch anyone else without theirs.

 

What Defines Valid Consent

Active and Affirmative: Consent requires a clear, conscious, and voluntary "yes" through explicit words or actions.

Never Assumed: Silence, passivity, or a lack of resistance do not equal consent. When in doubt, you must stop and ask.

Open Communication: Ideally, consent is reached through safe, ongoing discussions about boundaries.

Capacity is Required: Individuals who are underage, mentally disabled, asleep, unconscious, or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol cannot give consent. 

 

Consent Requires Agency

• Agency means a person cannot give meaningful consent unless they have the power, freedom, and capacity to make a choice free from pressure, manipulation, coercion, misinformation, or violence.
   
• Agency is a person's ability to act independently and make autonomous decisions that respect, rather than ignore, their own boundaries.
   
• Agency is not just the ability to say yes; it is the absolute freedom to say no without facing retaliation, punishment, or negative consequences.
   
• Agency is absent if someone is forced, underage, unconscious, incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or misinformed (such as the intentional hiding of an STD).
   
• Any consent given without agency is legally and ethically invalid. Sex without consent is always rape.
   
• If you do not give consent and sex is forced on you, or if you force sex upon someone else without consent, it is rape. This clearly includes having sex with someone who has passed out.

 

Simply put—

No one has the right to put their hands on you without your permission.

 

Likewise—

You do not have the right to put your hands on anyone without their permission.

 

What Defines Criminal Sexual Misconduct, Sexual Assault & Sexual Abuse

Any and all forms of SEXUAL MISCONDUCT—including but not limited to:  abuse; assault; bestiality; constraint; coercion; exploitation; fraud; harassment; human trafficking; incest; intimidation; pedophilia; rape; satanic ritual abuse (SRA); sextortion; and violence; along with any and all NON-CONSENSUAL [involuntary] behaviors or attempted, behaviors of a sexual nature—whether perpetrated upon a child or an adult, are criminal acts and categorically abhorrent.

This prohibition extends to all sexual misconduct, sexual assault, and sexual abuse—umbrella terms that encompass various non-consensual infractions and criminal sexual offenses.

These acts include, but are not limited to, the following non-consensual conduct: any form of sexual penetration; the use of date rape drugs to bypass consent; condom stealthing (removal of condom after agreement to use one); spousal or partner rape; unwanted touching, groping or fondling an individual's private body parts (breasts, buttocks, groin) over or under clothing; forced kissing or physical coercion; voyeurism/secret peeping; exhibitionism; indecent exposure; text-based solicitation; public masturbation; stalking or unauthorized tracking; and sexual assault perpetrated against older adults or individuals with physical or cognitive disabilities.

All non-consensual behavior is strictly prohibited for everyone, without exception.

 

Case in Point:

Digital misconduct is a mushrooming reality, becoming especially critical when examining how modern statutes handle digital harassment. A prime example is the intersection of cyberflashing and electronic obscenity laws—an area everyone needs to understand.

Many U.S. state codes make it illegal to willfully send "obscene, lewd, or lascivious proposals or messages" via phone, email, text, or internet.

Because ignorance of the law constitutes no defense, it is a good idea to check your local and state regulations to stay compliant and protect yourself from unintended liabilities and consequences.

 

What Everyone Needs to Understand about Cyberflashing & Electronic Obscenity Laws
 

Cyberflashing is the modern-day digital equivalent of public indecency. It occurs when someone sends or shows explicit, genital, or pornographic images and videos to another person without their consent. This typically happens via:

• Direct messaging: Text messages, emails, and social media.
   
• Dating platforms: Dating apps and matchmaking sites.
   
• Proximity features: Local file-sharing tools like AirDrop.
   

Concise Legal and Social Concepts

• Electronic sexual abuse is both a social taboo and a criminal offense. This behavior goes far beyond mere rudeness. It is widely condemned as a digital form of sexual harassment, indecent exposure, and sexual violence that violates social norms and the law.
   
• Violations of electronic and cyber obscenity and digital media laws include, but are not limited to: cyberstalking and digital harassment; distribution of private, non-consensual intimate imagery; unauthorized access to private digital media; and the unauthorized filming, photographing, posting, sharing, or streaming of a sexual act without permission, including revenge porn. These violations are known as image-based sexual abuse (IBSA). Law enforcement also prohibits the sending of unsolicited, sexually explicit photos. 
   
• Unauthorized sneak recording involves secretly recording sexual encounters with a hidden device without consent. This is a crime. It is also unequivocally incompatible with the values of sexual self-determination, personal sovereignty, and individual free will.
   
• Cyberflashing penalties vary by jurisdiction. Depending on where you are, these covert, illicit acts may be prosecuted as a crime, a public-decency violation, or a harassment offense under specific electronic transmission laws.
   

Main Takeaway—

Smart rats exercise abundant caution where electronics and sexuality intersect,

steering clear of all these forbidden behaviors.

 

The Ongoing Nature of Consent
 

Reversible at Any Time: Consent is not a one-time event and can be withdrawn (reversed) by either party at any moment—even during the act—though NOT retroactively.

 

Consent CANNOT Be Taken Back After the Fact

Be Advised: 

• You cannot legally or definitionally "retroactively withdraw consent" for sexual activity that has completely concluded.
   
• While consent must be ongoing throughout the entire experience, it cannot be taken back after the fact.
   
• You can withdraw consent at any point during sex, but you cannot retroactively change your mind once it is over.

   

Regret and Rape are Entirely Separate Matters and Must Never be Confused
 

Regret is an emotional afterthought wishing you made a different choice;

Rape is a traumatic violation where no choice was allowed.

 

Psychological and Emotional Readiness to Have Sex is Essential

• Psychological and emotional readiness to have sex is not a given. Wanting to have sex does not mean you are ready or that it is a good idea.
   
• It is entirely normal to feel shame, guilt, or regret after giving consent. These complex emotions often surface upon reflection.
   
• Just because a choice was consensual does not mean you won't feel bad about it afterward. Be kind to yourself in these moments.
   
• Realizing a choice didn't serve you is part of navigating relationships, setting boundaries, and growing. We live and we learn.
   
• Regret is self-judgment, "the quiet agony" of wishing we had acted differently. It is an emotional counter-reaction to a choice we once willingly made.
   
• Rape, in contrast, is a crime committed when consent is denied. It is an act of violence inflicted by another.

 

The Fundamental Difference Between Regret and Rape is Consent

Absolute Autonomy: If a partner feels uncomfortable or changes their mind for any reason, they have the right to demand that the activity stop.

Immediate Halt Required: Once consent is withdrawn, all sexual activity must stop immediately. Continuing past this point is considered a non-consensual violation.

 

Sexual Respect for All Through Sexual Self-Respect

Sexual Self-Respect & Honor:  Sexual respect for others starts with sexual self-respect. It requires that you strive to always act from personal integrity by honoring and respecting your own guiding principles, moral compass, and sexual boundaries, as well as those of others. Think of it as taking care of yourself. Acknowledging that our body, desires, boundaries and pleasure matter shapes how we view, value, honor, and respect ourselves as sexual beings, just as it guides our sexual respect for others. 

Honor requires us to uphold and respect our own sexual code of conduct, as well as that of others, especially under pressure.

 

The Bottom Line

Sex without consent is always rape.

 

*   *   *

 

 

             Copyright © 1994/2024 Michael Ra Bouchard, Ph.D. www.LoveKindly.com All Rights Reservedeserve

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

 

Sexual Bill of Rights

Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights

1.     The freedom of any sexual thought, fantasy or desire.

2.     The right to sexual entertainment, freely available in the market place, including sexually explicit materials dealing with the full range of sexual behavior.

3.     The right not to be exposed to sexual material or behavior.

4.     The right to sexual self-determination.

5.     The right to seek out and engage in consensual sexual activity.

6.     The right to engage in sexual acts or activities of any kind whatsoever, providing they do not involve non-consensual acts, violence, constraint, coercion, fraud, or children under the age of 18.

7.     The right to be free of persecution, condemnation, discrimination, or societal intervention in private sexual behavior.

8.     The recognition by society that every person, partnered or un-partnered, has the right to the pursuit of a satisfying consensual socio-sexual life free from political, legal or religious interference and that there need to be mechanisms in society where the opportunities of socio-sexual activities are available to the following: disabled persons; chronically ill persons; those incarcerated in prisons, hospitals or institutions; those disadvantaged because of age, lack of physical attractiveness, or lack of social skills; the poor and the lonely.

9.     The basic right of all persons who are sexually dysfunctional to have available nonjudgmental sexual health care.

10.   The right to control conception.

11.   The right to the pursuit of sexual pleasure.

12.   The basic right to seek a comprehensive sexuality education, including access to accurate and informed sexual information.

13.   The right to grant, withhold, or withdraw consent at any point during a sexual encounter; that said, legal consent cannot be retroactively revoked after the encounter has completely concluded.

 

 

Sexual Rights are Universal Human Rights

 

*  *  *

 

I hope you have found this brief essay beneficial and empowering.

I encourage everyone to honor and uphold the principles of the "Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights" in all the wonderful ways you consensually express your sexuality, as well as to refrain from moralizing, criticizing or judging yourself or others for so doing.

With apologies to the Bard for taking the liberty of piggybacking upon his timeless counsel:

 

This above all:

To thine own self-determined sexual self stay true.

 

Think of it as practicing self-love; the greater our capacity for self-love, the greater our capacity for loving others. It really is that basic. And it starts by being honest with ourselves by accepting, and indeed celebrating, who we are as healthy and vibrant sexual beings.

Living in accordance with one's true, highest nature is essential.

It begins by living authentically with increased self-awareness, and acting in alignment with one's core values, beliefs and goals.

What's more, it is vital to remember that sexual abuse, violence, and all other sexually non-consensual actions are always in direct opposition to the values of sexual self-determination, and are therefore unacceptable under any and every circumstance.

Finally, please know that this concise "Consensual Sex Code of Conduct" Cheatsheet, while quite detailed, is not intended to be exhaustive.

For anybody—and especially those whom are sexually active—interested in learning more about the often ambiguous process of giving and receiving clear and freely communicated sexual consent and refusal, I recommend reading another of my Linked In articles, entitled, "What Everyone Needs to Understand about Sexual Refusal & Sexual Assault." I wrote it back in 2020 specifically to help everyone hone this essential communication skill set (link enclosed below).

 

The Takeaway

The main objective of this essay has been to advocate for loving one another honorably in every way. Yet especially so in the pursuit of mutually satisfying your sexual instincts in ways that respect and enhance both parties' overall health, happiness and wellbeing.

This transformation happens primarily through the practice of sexual self-nurturance, also known as self-care. Who better to provide this than you—for if not you, then who?

Indeed, we can only extend to others the honor and respect we have already granted to ourselves; how we treat others is a direct reflection of how we treat ourselves. Since the two are so deeply connected, I truly hope you choose to treat yourself with honor, kindness, and respect.

For in the end, honor within oneself is the foundation for how we honor the world around us.

 

For Anyone Ready to Get Started

Embracing sexual self-compassion means giving yourself full permission to claim and celebrate your healthy sexual self. At the same time, it expands your precious emotional capacity to love and be loved. Doing this allows you to truly enjoy both drinking from and sharing the essence of human kindness with those you hold close.

 

And for anyone so inclined—

Don't be nervous; once you get started, it's as easy as falling off a log!
 

Yours in honorable sexual relations for all,

Dr. Michael Ra Bouchard
Double Board-Certified Clinical Sexologist

 

Copyright © 2025 Michael Ra Bouchard, Ph.D. www.LoveKindly.com All Rights Reserved

 

NOTE: For anyone wanting to better understand ethically responsible sexual consent, I suggest reading my 2020 short-read article on the subject entitled, "What Everyone Needs to Understand about Sexual Refusal & Sexual Assault" also posted here on this webpage within Dr. M's Free Archive.

For anyone wanting to learn more about healing from childhood sexual abuse, you are encouraged to click the below link to read my short 2020 article written on the subject, entitled, "It’s NEVER Too Late to Heal Yourself From Childhood Sexual Abuse" also posted here on this website within Dr. M's Free Archive.

 

---

 

 

No one has a right to put their hands on you without your permission.

 

What Everyone Needs to Understand About
Sexual Refusal and Sexual Assault

by Michael Ra Bouchard, M.A., Ph.D.

 

 

February 29, 2020
(7-9 minute short read)

Author's Note: Given the current media attention on sexual assault,

I wrote this article to shed light on the issue and raise awareness about this ongoing problem.

MRB 2020

 

Empowering Consent: The Essential Role of Sexual Refusal Skills

Research studies over the last decade have determined that approximately one in three women and one in six men will experience some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime. Given these unacceptably high rates, it is essential that each and every one of us develop a sexual refusal communication skill set so as to reduce the occurrence of sexual assault incidents.

Sexual refusal communication requires us to recognize and respect how people communicate sexual non-consent—specifically the verbal and non-verbal behavioral cues people use to say “no” when declining sexual activity—towards best ensuring understanding and cooperation when sexual activity is unwanted and non-consensual.

What is vital for everyone to understand is that unless sexual consent is freely given any unwanted and forced upon sexual contact against a person’s will is a sexual assault.

As an enlightened and civilized society it is the collective concern, moral duty, and social responsibility for each of us to learn, recognize and respect times when someone we have sexual interest in does not want or give us their consent to engage in sexual activity. To avoid any misunderstanding, especially in light of today’s hook-up culture and online dating culture, it's essential that we pay close attention to our partner’s cues—whether subtle or overt, verbal or non-verbal, implicit or explicit—and respond accordingly by stopping our pursuit when it is unwanted.
 

Honoring Personal and Interpersonal Boundaries

We must make it our policy to receive any and all sexual refusals as sincere and legitimate and therefore needing to be taken seriously and with full compliance by stopping our unwanted behavior right away. The necessity of so doing is underscored by the fact that numerous studies have shown most teens and many adults still primarily communicate sexual consent non-verbally by a myriad of means, thus increasing the likelihood of unintentional sexual miscommunication. Accordingly, each of us needs to become skilled in identifying and respecting the many types of sexual refusal cues, and upon recognition of their delivery, immediately cease our pursuit without additional persistence or sexual coercion of any kind.

If we are to lessen occurrences of sexual assault and violence—whether unintentional or not—it requires that everyone have access to a basic sex education and corresponding moral training. Each of us must learn to morally respect the inalienable right of sexual self-determination by striving to honor the free will choices of others. Additionally, sexual assault prevention training must teach and empower everyone to stand up to and level vigorous protest against others whenever required in order to protect our personal boundaries and sexual rights from being violated by anyone.

In like manner, each of us must also be taught and empowered to stand down to any and all protests when leveled against us—no matter how falteringly or feebly delivered those protests may be—in order to protect the personal boundaries and sexual rights of others when it is we ourselves doing the violating.

Specifically saying “no” as a mechanism of explicit sexual refusal assumes that “no” sufficiently conveys that sexual activity is unwanted and non-consensual. Simply put: Sexual refusal communication is a process in which one party either initiates or increases the level of sexual activity, whereupon the other person rejects it, and the first party complies with that rejection by ceasing the offending behavior.

Circumstances in which a person does not comply with a rejection and continues to pursue sex post-refusal qualify as attempted or completed sexual assault. No exceptions.
 

When in Doubt, Speak Out and Ask

Respect for an individual’s sexual self-sovereignty insists that we never ignore or selfishly pretend not to notice when our partner pulls back, freezes, or otherwise verbally or non-verbally cues their disinterest or unwillingness to engage sexually with us. Better still, before getting too carried away, it is generally the best policy for both parties to be explicit in sexual consent communication. Ideally, the “gold standard” consent cue you each want to give and receive is an explicit verbal “yes” giving the green light to proceed.

When unsure about your partner's receptivity, boldly speak out and ask for affirmative sexual consent, especially when the two of you are sexually inexperienced together. Correspondingly, when you are on the receiving end of uninvited or otherwise unwanted sexual contact, speak out and firmly demand that it be stopped immediately.

It is important to understand that consent can be communicated both verbally (by saying yes) and non-verbally so long as it is being given voluntarily and when conscious. Actually talking about sex before things get too hot and heavy—if only to say what you want or don’t want to happen—can usually help to assess if you and the other party are both on the same wavelength, and when not, go a long way in preventing unintended sexual missteps from occurring.

It bears repeating: When in doubt—speak out and ask!
 

Sexual Consent: No Means No; Yes Means Yes

Historically in the past, “No Means No” sexual assault prevention campaigns have emphasized refusal communication. However, more recent “Yes Means Yes” sexual assault prevention education emphasizes affirmative consent via increased explicit communication. Therefore, acquiring proficiency in both refusal communication and affirmative consent appears to be the best approach for creating a sex-affirming setting where people feel comfortable in plainly communicating either their interest or disinterest for engaging together in sexual activity.

An added bonus of opening a dialogue to discuss and negotiate personal sexual limits, interests, and desires with a potential sexual partner is that it can actually be a very sexy process leading to increased closeness, enjoyment, satisfaction and more with one another. Likewise, clear and direct sexual communication is the surest way for creating an intimate and sex-positive mood that is based upon mutual respect and sexual self-determination. Such an “above board” approach is best for helping both parties feel comfortable in plainly stating and honestly communicating their sexual wants, limits, likes, dislikes, etc. with one another.

Something to keep in mind when you find sex too embarrassing to discuss with a potential partner is that you are probably not really emotionally ready to have sex with them anyway. When that is the case, you are far better off finding alternative, less sexually involved yet nonetheless still affectionate, fun, and rewarding activities to share together instead until such time that you each feel ready to have that conversation.
 

Sexual Respect for Others Starts with Sexual Self-Respect

In summary, should anyone ever presume, pressure, coerce, or otherwise try to force you to engage in sexual contact that you don’t want, or is against your better judgment, or is otherwise without you having first granted permission, demand that they stop immediately!

You are encouraged to always act from personal integrity by honoring and respecting your own guiding principles, moral compass, and sexual boundaries, as well as those of others—including upholding and respecting your personal sexual code of conduct, especially under pressure.

 

If it Ain't Respectful, it Ain't Love

Should this person profess to care for you while repeatedly disrespecting your personal boundaries you are better off without them. The fact is when you can’t reason with someone they leave you no healthy alternative but to separate yourself from a fraught situation by moving on alone without looking back. You will exercise emotional intelligence and set yourself up for the win by seeking a relationship with someone else more highly evolved and less controlling that actually respects rather than violates your wishes and personal boundaries.

When it comes to taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical health and well-being, the importance of firmly speaking up and advocating for yourself when you are on the receiving end of any unwanted sexual contact cannot be overemphasized. People who love someone show it by respecting their requests and feelings. Someone who truly cares about you will never apply pressure or force you to do anything against your will or that otherwise could land you in serious trouble, including risking your health and pregnancy by having unsafe and unprotected sex.

And while the following judgment may sound harsh it is simply the unvarnished truth about anyone in possession of an unrepentant molesting mindset: Anybody who continues to violate your sexual limits by refusing your repeated demands to stop is behaving in an abusive and controlling manner that is categorically inexcusable.

Developing the faculty to identify individuals expressing sexual interest in us is paramount to avoid making the mistake of misperceiving friendliness cues for sexual intent from someone where there is none, leading to mutual embarrassment for both parties. This skill set is also imperative for preventing any unpleasant repercussions that could follow from making unwanted sexual advances that might be interpreted as sexual harassment or sexual coercion, or worse yet, could lead to unintentional rape.

 

Vote with Your Feet

If a situation or person makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, you have the absolute right to walk away immediately without explanation or apology.

If their pestering persists despite your protests, take whatever evasive actions are necessary to immediately extricate yourself and escape the situation. Be especially careful when entering or staying in a romantic relationship with a controlling person who disregards your boundaries. Real love is built on respect.

 

In the final analysis:

 

Sex without consent is always rape.

 

Consent Requires Agency
 

In essence, "agency" means that a person cannot truly give meaningful consent unless they have the power, freedom, and capacity to make their own choice free from pressure, manipulation, coercion, misinformation or violence. Agency refers to a person's ability to act independently and make autonomous decisions that respect, rather than ignore, their own boundaries.

Agency is not just the ability to say "yes"; it is the absolute freedom to say "no" without facing retaliation, punishment, or negative consequences.

If someone is forced, underage, unconscious, incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or lacks necessary information—such as the intentional hiding of a sexually transmitted disease—they lack agency. This means any "consent" they give is legally and ethically invalid; sex without consent is always rape.

Rape is an ugly word for an even uglier act. If you don’t give consent and sex is forced on you, or if you force sex upon someone without their consent, it’s rape—and just to be clear, that includes having sex with someone who has passed out.

Thus for everyone's well-being, each of us must learn to subjectively assess a potential sex partner’s intent by focusing on cues and behaviors that convey possible interest and/or disinterest when pursuing any kind of sexual activity together, and put a stop to it instantly when it is unwanted.

Should anyone ever violate your sexual boundaries, immediately speak out strongly and without hesitation by ordering them to "Knock it off, NOW!!"

 

No One has a Right to Put their Hands on You Without Your Permission

It is a matter of practicing self-respect—not to mention self-preservation—to speak out without hesitation whenever someone trespasses your sexual boundaries. You practice self-respect by staying true to your values, sexual and otherwise. For each of us, the development and safeguarding of self-respect for one’s self, character, dignity, integrity, and conduct is an essential lifelong process requiring vigorous ongoing effort. Not only will you personally benefit from this practice, but so will others, as we can only give to others that which we first can give to ourselves.

Think of self-love as benefiting everybody.

 

Self-Love: The Ultimate Gift to Ourselves and Others

At the end of the day, when it comes to personal development and continuing evolution of the indispensable qualities involved in the expression of love and caring through mutually desired sexual activity, it all begins with the vigorous development, exercise and protection of self-respect. You could rightly think of practicing self-respect as the ultimate expression of self-love; the greater our capacity to love ourselves, the greater our capacity to love others.

Who knew?

When you come right down to it, it's really very simple:

 

Sexual Respect for Others Through Sexual Self-Respect

 

We can all do it, and for your own betterment and the greater good, I hope you do!

 

Yours in honorable sexual relations for all,

Dr. Michael Ra Bouchard
Hilo, Hawaii

 

Copyright © 2020 by Michael Ra Bouchard, Ph.D. & Aloha Sexual Health & Happiness, LLC. All Rights Reserved.

 

Aloha and A Hui Hou!